It is with a heavy heart that I must announce that everyone’s favorite reporter, the Prince of Print, the Sultan of Satire, the Babe Ruth of Breaking News, Simon Pepa, is about to graduate from college and will tragically no longer grace the pages of The Stute with his topical and trendy articles. (As previously stated, The Stute has forbidden Off the Press from saying any student’s name in our articles due to their draconian and fun-hating rules, but I was hoping they’d give me a pass since it’s my name.) Yes, weep and mourn, dear readers, for the much loved Editor-In-Chief of Off the Press has gone off to the great Newsroom in the sky after his graduation and subsequent banishment from anything Stevens-related that does not involve giving the school an absurd amount of money. This is truly a great shock to the multi-billion dollar college newspaper industry whose reservations will certainly be felt for hours to come.
As I’m sure all of our readers are aware, Mr. Pepa was the single greatest journalist of our time, winning over 14 Pulitzer Prizes, 21 Nobel Prizes for Literature, and 36 Kids’ Choice Awards all within the span of two years. He could write at over 400 words per minute, rarely doing so because the amount of energy and heat generated by his whirling fingers could tear a solid-iron typewriter to shreds within minutes. Millions of avid Stute readers would pore over his every word each week, and multiple economists have cited him as the sole reason that newspapers still exist. Through his penmanship, Sir Pepa Esq. single-handedly solved the Great Peer Leader Crisis of 2019, which has since been referenced by the Supreme Court in twelve separate landmark cases, including two murders. He also revealed the rampant corruption plaguing the SGA exemplified in last semester’s lack of election. (He would have also broken the story, but The Stute got jealous that he achieved this monumental feat of journalistic prowess before they did and blocked it.) Now in his twilight years, Ex-Vice Presidential Candidate Pepa is spending his final hours at Stevens doing all of the things retired people do, such as golf, gardening, wrinkling, shrinking, and reminiscing about when he was a fresh-faced young buck just starting to find his way around a pen.
It gives me no pleasure to announce to my assumed millions of fans my imminent departure into the Great Beyond, but unfortunately, I was unable to land a co-op in my sophomore year and Stevens kicked me out of the program to maintain their 100% success rate. (Let’s go! Snuck another juicy news story in there! Still got it, baby!) Normally, I would never write an article in the first person, partly because Off the Press is a team effort that takes dozens of editors, reporters, typers, assistants to the typers, coffee machines, sentient pencils, and corporate executives to produce, and partly because under the strict Laws of Journalism my news license would get revoked. But, having been freed from the shackles of public service, I am finally free to pursue life’s greatest pleasure: speaking directly to the reader. Yes, I’m speaking specifically to the person reading this. Kevin.
[Note only to be read by people named Kevin]: You should have seen your face!
Alas, all good things must come to an end, and separately so does my time spearheading the finest newsroom this school has ever seen. I can only assume that once my fashionable light-up Sketchers walk off campus for the last time, all news will instantly cease to exist without such a titan of journalism to chronicle it. So, good luck with that. I also wish my contacts at The Stute all the best of luck in recovering from the shock of losing God’s greatest gift to this profession, and express my regrets that you became a bit of a handful at the end there. I mean, not allowing us to post the names of public officials in the SGA? Delaying our articles about news just because you hadn’t gotten around to it yet? Ring, ring! Hello? Oh, the First Amendment is calling, it’s for you. (I recognize that this article’s publication is at the mercy of The Stute. If they’re reading this, I didn’t mean anything I just said. Please, pretty please, I’m begging you to publish this article. I’m on my literary knees here. It’s all in good fun, I promise.)
My bridges finally and completely burnt to a hickory-scented crisp, I must finally make my exit from the fine pages of The Stute with all the grace of a seal with heart problems attempting to break-dance. It has truly been an honor to pester the class group chats every week with the hottest and most breakingest news I could muster out of my little pea-brain. Yes, the jig is up: everything I wrote about was fake. I made it all up! Everything! Even the one where I said Martini hacked the school! Pure fantasy! You really thought a dog was capable of computer science? They don’t even have thumbs! I haven’t been within spitting distance of a credible source this entire time, and you fools all fell for it!
With my greatest and most closely-held secret finally revealed, I can rest with a clear conscience. My endless crusade for truth, justice, and journalism has finally come to an end, leaving me a frail, helpless, and cancelled old man.
This is Simon Pepa, live from Off the Press, signing off.
Off The Press is a satirical Opinion column written and organized by Off Center, often used to joke about current Stevens issues and campus news.
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