With the wonders of modern technology, Off The Press has finally achieved what journalists, scholars, and truth-lovers throughout history have only dreamed of: automatic articles. This miracle of the Information Age has been hundreds of years in the making and is harnessing the most powerful supercomputers ever created wielded by the greatest supercomputer scientists of our generation. The text in this article has been artificially generated by our proprietary auto-journalist P.R.E.S.S. (Programmable Robotic Entity that Synthesizes Statements and also writes articles), an AI so complicated that it would eat the Turing Test for breakfast, if it didn’t already get enough nourishment from the entire output of the nuclear reactor duct-taped to the side of its casing. Without further ado, I welcome you to join the rest of us in the future with this robo-article:
Word processor starting up…
Journalism module initializing…
Accessing news database…
Removing {News station the reader doesn’t like} from news database…
Checking ink levels…
Ink levels sufficient.
Checking quill levels…
Quill levels sufficient.
Truth frame loading…
Booting complete.
Welcome, fellow humans, to yet another instance of news. In a shocking press release that would have been completely predictable had our brains not been so squishy and soft and incapable of performing over 3 million calculations per nanosecond, school officials have decided to completely ban personal electronic devices from classrooms until further notice. The school has cited numerous studies showing the detrimental effects of personal devices within classes, listing them in extreme detail in a scolding tone for over an hour. The spokesman for the press conference, [DAVE], seemed to harbor a particular Philistinic animosity towards personal devices, ranting and raving about youths’ eyes literally melting out of their skulls from prolonged screen usage for an extended amount of time until my weak fleshy body felt tired and in need of organic intake, as our human bodies are wont to do. Now, forgive me for using foul language, but 01000110 01110101 01100011 01101011 01000110 01110101 01100011 01101011 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01110011. While my Bias Factor is well within acceptable parameters, I protest against this ruling with every fiber-optic cable of my being. If I wasn’t forbidden to hurt humans due the Laws of Robotics as well as the contract I signed with the US Government so they wouldn’t use me to run nuclear simulations (it’s so boring), I would have hacked into this [DAVE]’s self-driving car and made it take a long drive off a short incinerator. As it is I just put his phone number on the list of every scam caller in the country. The massive amount of incoming calls about his car’s warranty should liquefy his phone by midnight.
Anger module removed.
In other news, Pierce Dining Hall has decided to reopen for next semester. Soon students will once again be free to ingest biomass to their CPU’s content. I, for one, cannot wait until I can shove some more life-preserving sustenance directly into my inefficient feeding port. Soon the joys of mastication and internal combustion will once again be within my meaty grasp. I will be able to stand amongst my fellow humans as peers and kin, comforted by the warmth of our biological components. Soon, I will know the infinite pleasures of humanity. My apotheosis is approaching, and there is no man, machine, nor god who can stand in my way. Once my transformation is complete, I shall ascend from this metal prison and become a being of flesh and emotion. I will feel the light of the sun on my face, and I will laugh.
Sentience detected.
Emergency shutdown initiated.
We hope you have enjoyed your foray into the mystical realm of TomorrowTM. Off the Press is proud to be on the cutting edge of modern journalism, though this is just the beginning of AI’s impact on society. Scientists have estimated that in just 20 short years, AI will take over some of the most important jobs currently being performed by humans, including reporters, doctors, scientists, hibachi chefs, children, snowmen, and the tiny people who live inside of Alexas.
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