We here at Off The Press are always trying to improve journalistic literacy among the unwashed masses, and so we are creating this writing template for anyone that wants to try their hand at writing their very own news article! Just fill in the lines with the given prompts, and before you know it, you’ll have a brand-new article that is exactly on par with what Off The Press normally puts out! Are you ready? Make sure you are, because this is the last time that we’ll be asking you. Are you absolutely sure that you’re ready? Most people don’t make it past the third prompt. Ok then, your funeral:
Campus is in absolute anarchy after the school has recently announced a __________ (adjective) change to the ___________ (noun) Department. According to the new rules, students will have to __________ (verb) __________ (number) times a day or else suffer grave consequences, which will include but are not limited to suspension, expulsion, castration, __________ (noun ending in -tion), and being put in the stocks while jeering professors throw rotten _________ (plural fruit ending in -pples) at them. The change has inevitably angered students, who understandably want to remain un-stocked. “How can they let this happen?” said one __________ (adjective) student, while __________ (verb form of that last adjective ending in -ing) like some kind of __________ (noun form of that adjective).
Despite the general consensus among students that the new ruling sucks more than a vacuum cleaner pulling a golf ball through a straw, the administration has remained firm. “We have heard all of your complaints, and we just have one thing to say: tough __________ (the absolute worst curse word you’ve ever heard in your entire life, something truly vile, like your grandmother would faint if she heard this word),” said one particularly vulgar Snevets official during a press conference to the indignant gasps and offended hand fannings of everyone in attendance. “We here at Snevets have a long, long history of not listening to our students, and believe me when I say we’re not going to start any time soon. Aw, you’re going to start crying? Little __________ (the word baby)?” We would like to set the record straight that our field reporter just had something in their eyes at this time, namely tears and sadness. The spokesperson continued on their expletive filled rant, specifically railing into our field reporter with oddly personal insults that they would have only known if they had stolen notes from the reporter’s therapist. Pretty much everyone left once the spokesperson started going off about the reporter’s parents’ divorce.
Students have challenged the new rule within the Honesty Board, citing it as the closest thing the school has to a Supreme Court but with less __________ (your spiciest political take on the Supreme Court. Just know that your beliefs and opinions do not necessarily represent those of Off The Press or of The Stupe at large.) While the Honesty Board has been absolutely swamped lately with an estimated __________ (percentage) of students cheating in their online classes — I Chegged my Prob Stats homework, so I don’t know if that number is correct — they have agreed to take the case “pro bono,” which as we all know means that they’ll do the trial dressed up as famous singer-songwriter Bono. We tried to get statements from the Honesty Judges, but the members that make up the Honesty Board are reclusive to the point of no one’s really sure if they exist or not; the last sighting of them having taken place in the summer of __________ (year during __________ [historical time period]) when they were seen letting their powdered hair down to have some fun on the beach. Sometimes a __________ (marine creature that rhymes with “dobster”) does fall out of their robes during trials.
__________ (closing paragraph).
We thank you for completing the arduous task of writing a mile in our inkwells, and allowing the increasingly decrepit corpse of print journalism to limp on just a few steps further towards obsolescence. We hope you’ve learned a valuable lesson in what sacrifice and dedication our reporters have to go through every single day to bring you the greatest gosh-darn pieces of journalism that you’ve ever idly scrolled through in your pathetic little lives. To the lucky few who managed to survive this turbulent journey of authorship, __________ (heartfelt compliment).
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