Students were shocked to discover this week that the school was planning to still host the absolute rager known as TechFest, but were less surprised to find out that, much like literally everything else, the pandemic had ruined it beyond recognition. Instead of the week-long rager that would traditionally consume not only all of campus but also every liquid above an ABV of 2% within three square miles, the Entertainment Committee (EC) has reduced TechFest to a series of online concerts followed by lame Q&A’s that won’t even let us ask the artists the real questions, like how many different drugs have they been on at the same time. It is truly a far cry from previous TechFests, when T-Pain would just ramble on stage in front of everyone. Instead of A-list celebrities in their prime like T-Pain and Jesse McCartney, we will have to make do with losers like the first headliner, who due to legal requirements we cannot name directly without being sued faster than you can say “Hey dude please don’t sue me.” Unfortunately, our legal fund here at Off the Press has recently been emptied after we used it to buy scented candles for the office that smell of ink, paper, typewriter fluid, and truth, so we have no choice but to suffer under these journalistic restrictions.
The current schedule sent by the Entertainment Committee is that TechFest will be split into five different virtual concerts spread out until the end of the semester, complete with a cute little graphic where the last four artists’ names have been censored for their protection. Presumably, the line-up will be four mid-tier artists capped off with an amazing, smash-hit performance from a musician that was pretty popular twenty years ago, as is TechFest tradition. In addition to the mystery singers, half of the concerts will be opened by local musicians plucked straight from the student body. I will not make any jokes about these bands because I really want to be invited to their afterparties.
Much like the majority of news happening on campus recently, very few students either know or care about this pressing new development. “Will there still be free T-shirts?” asked one student shivering in their very tattered TechFest 2019-branded shirt. “I’m kind of in the market for some right now.” The online component in particular is a sticking point for most people, who are used to getting absolutely hammered and crowd-surfing during the classic TechFest revelry. “How am I going to wave my lighter in time to the music?” said one concert-lover sadly. “My fire alarm is right above my computer, and my mom doesn’t let me take the batteries out ever since I tried to find out the difference between ‘flammable’ and ‘inflammable.’ How am I supposed to enjoy the music without an open flame?”
The EC has remained adamant that this year’s TechFest will be no less bumpin’ than the legal minimum. “Come on guys, we still know how to throw a good party!” said the EC representative. “We’ll be giving out virtual Henna tattoos during the performances; you just have to print them out! It’ll be so fun! Plus, we have cute little party hats that you can get delivered to your house! It’ll just take like a couple business weeks.” Undeterred by the less than ideal circumstances of the events, the EC is doing all they can to drum up excitement. “I for one can’t wait to see the first concert,” said one EC volunteer wearing a hoodie, baseball cap, and shoes branded with the name of the first performer, whose name again we cannot say without bringing the long arm of the law into the short pocket of our jeans to take our wallet. Just know that we had a killer joke here about the first performer’s name, and you can take it up with them about why you aren’t currently falling out of your chair from laughter.
As our dear readers know, Off the Press has been and always will be appreciators of the arts, and we applaud the EC’s attempt to bring the light of Techfest to the twenty people who are going to go to these concerts. And honestly, we’re only a little mad that they denied our application to open for one of the artists with our in-house band, Huey Louis and The News. Although if anyone is interested, we play birthdays, weddings, bat mitzvahs, baptisms, cremations, divorce proceedings, job interviews, baby showers, and births.
Off The Press is a satirical Opinion column written and organized by Off Center, often used to joke about current Stevens issues and campus news.
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