Celebrations have erupted among students as the school has launched the award-winning and long-awaited web service Workday Student this week, finally ending the previous tyranny of myStevens Web Services that has plagued students for generations. Workday Student, which launched for students on March 10, promises to be everything a proper web service should be and more, with literal dozens of manhours behind the development of this cutting-edge program.
What students are most jazzed about is that Workday will be the new way for them to register for classes, an issue that has been a thorn in our collective sides for years. Registering, a vital part of academic administration that literally every student has to do every semester, has been notoriously difficult for everyone involved resulting in comically long wait times as the web servers for a university that teaches classes on web programming consistently fail to meet demand. “We’ve been meaning to update the system for years,” said a Stevens Web Engineer standing in front of a whirling mass of gears, pulleys, and dial-up modems. “We got this baby around 1839, and she’s been handling Registration no problem this whole time. Speaking of, let me reboot the website real quick.” The engineer then played Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata on a mechanical keyboard duct-taped to the “computer,” causing it to vibrate dangerously as smoke spewed from the machine. The vibration increased for several minutes until the server was jumping around like a rabbit who had fallen into a vat of radioactive 5-Hour Energy, and then it finally settled down with a ding. “There we go,” said the engineer, who had been cowering behind a bullet-proof shield while the machine was working. “I need to do that every time someone adds a class.” A piece of the machine then fell off with perfect comic timing. With the introduction of Workday Student, the web servers will be given their largest update since the last one in 1958. The IT Department will be switching the servers from their current storage devices of floppy disks plugged into a VHS machine to a 9×9 array of flash drives they got from Target. “It’s not the best solution, and it’s a major fire hazard,” started one IT worker. Our reporter waited for them to finish their sentence, but the worker just kept glancing at the system as if they were afraid it was about to explode, probably because of the large warning sticker placed on it that said “WARNING: This Is About To Explode!!!!”
The change comes as a welcome surprise for students, who had given up hope that the school would do something about registration. “I had given up hope that the school would do something about registration,” said the one student we asked about this. “I had resigned myself to the fact that it would always take a couple business days to register for my classes. Hopefully once Workday starts up it’ll only be like a few hours.”
Some students are resistant to the new system, though. “What’s wrong with good ol’ myStevens?” asked one student who didn’t realize how dumb they sounded. “I don’t need some new-fangled program just to look at my class schedule,” they said moronically. “Look, let me just pull it up for you now…give me a second…oh, I have to do the Duo thing…it’s loading now…select this term…there!” The absolute buffoon showed us their class schedule, gaping like a dolt. Our reporter then sidled out of the room, feeling their brain cell count plummet faster than, I don’t know, something that falls really fast, I guess. They can’t all be home runs, guys.
As you all know, we are extremely tech-savvy here at Off The Press, having recently upgraded all of our typewriters so they have those cool rainbow LEDs underneath the keys. It makes it impossible to see what we’re typing, but it doesn’t matter because we’ve already memorized the layout so well that we could write articles blindfolded, upside down, underwater, and with our hands tied behind our back. We’re sure that the school’s going to get the servers right this time, but at the very least, we can rest assured that it is literally impossible to create a worse system for registration.
Off The Press is a satirical Opinion column written and organized by Off Center, often used to joke about current Stevens issues and campus news.
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