Community Updates!

It’s our last article of the semester, but we’ll be damned if literally anything has happened for the last couple of weeks, so in the interest of not ragging on the SGA for longer than is funny (or until they incur our wrath again), Off the Press is going to end this unique semester with a community update article full of fun little “micro-stories” that have all been rigorously researched and are chock-full of that sweet ol’ Off the Press charm that we are legally and biologically required to produce.

• With finals coming up, the Honor Board has once again reminded students that using the Internet and collaborating with other students while taking exams are, as always, super illegal and please, please stop doing it, we’re begging you. While the Honor Board recognizes their near powerlessness in the face of academic dishonesty behemoths such as Chegg and Discord, they are really bummed out about it and hope that students take one for the team and just get a lower score on their finals to make them feel better. You wouldn’t want the entire Honor Board to cry, would you?

• It’s Off the Press’ collective birthday this week! We’re celebrating the 14,533,329th year since the first proto-journalists slithered out of the primordial ooze holding single-celled notepads and gathering gossip about the first hot celebrity couple: mitochondria and eukaryotic cells. To honor this momentous occasion while also preventing your nervous system from being instantly melted into lime Jell-O by Coronavirus, please pour a vial of ink onto the ground where wild animals/we can access it and quietly sing the Happy Birthday song in traditional Latvian. Once the song is over, please vacate the area immediately and do not return until the polka music has stopped.

• The school’s administration has chosen Professor Lawrence Donotreply as Teacher of the Year for his tireless work in writing and sending informative emails to all of the Stevens students currently scattered across the globe. Off the Press congratulates Prof. Donotreply on his award, and hopes that he’ll get back to us soon.

• With COVID-19 cases increasing yet again (come on guys, it’s getting pretty old by now), President Farvardin has announced that he has decided to take matters into his own hands, and has challenged the Coronavirus to a duel, mano-a-viro, to finally settle things once and for all. “If Corona is man enough to fight me, I’ll be in my office licking a doorknob and instructing my secretary to sneeze in my general direction, just to give it a fair shot,” he said in a press conference, his personal trainer standing behind him rubbing his shoulders and pouring Cool Blue Powerade into the president’s mouth. “I should warn you, though; I’ve been training.” Farvardin then showed us a zoomed-in picture of his blood, which was full of the buffest and most jacked white blood cells anyone has ever seen flexing their considerable cell membranes while red blood cells swooned in the background.

• The Athletic Center has finally re-opened, but only one person is allowed to use the gym at a time, so all of the athletes have to watch, salivating, while that one lucky son of a gun does squats in there. “It’s honestly kind of invigorating,” said one athlete while a chorus of gym rats groaned with jealousy as he picked up a barbell. “My glutes haven’t felt so toned in years!”

• Despite not opening for at least another semester, the school has already banned people from referring to the new Student Center as the “Twin Towers” for obvious reasons.

• Mysterious sightings of the SS Stevens, the ship-turned-dorm that was lost at sea decades ago, have been reported as the ship lurks ominously in the fog with the ghostly sounds of underage drinking echoing throughout the night. Some witnesses have even claimed that they have seen apparitions of 1970s engineering students wandering its decks, which is weird because they’re all still alive.

• A tree has suddenly appeared in Babbio Atrium, with complete disregard for both soil requirements and zoning ordinances. When asked to move, the tree compliantly fell, but there was no one around to hear it so it just stood back up again. Nature is healing.

We hope you have enjoyed this scattershot attempt at journalism and feel that you have been suitably updated as to the community’s goings-on. Hopefully next semester they lift the anti-journalist dome currently protecting campus so we can finally get our grubby little pens on some real news. Reporting live from right behind you, this is Off the Press signing off.

Disclaimer: The above piece is a satirical opinion piece, which reflect the views of the writer and do not reflect the views of The Stute as an organization or any others involved in making The Stute. The Stute recommends all readers to follow CDC guidelines on protecting yourself and others from COVID-19.