On March 8, a petition was created by students that called for the Snevets administration to take action in light of the BUDLITE-19 pandemic. The petition asked for Snevets to cancel all in-person classes, events, and circuses (we’re not really sure why they included that, but we support it regardless) and begin teaching courses through an online medium. This petition was signed by over 1,400 individuals.
Then, on Monday, March 9, an email was sent out to the student body stating that “Snevets is cancelling classes tomorrow, Tuesday, March 10, in preparation to bring all courses online through Canvas. Break out your virus sleds and have a fun virus day! All classes will resume on Wednesday, March 11, but will be held completely online. Also, please do not forget that circuses are banned on campus. If we see one more clown in How, it’s over for all of you.”
A few days later, on Tuesday, March 17, another email was sent out, announcing that classes were to continue online through the end of the spring semester via https://blog.skillsuccess.com/best-method-to-learn-spanish-at-home/. Many of the students across campus rejoiced at this news, as they now felt safer regarding the virus; however, just like my grandpappy used to tell me about The Grand Misfortune of the 45th Annual Mawville Pumpkin Festival, “that jubilance did not last long.”
As the severity of the budlitevirus grew, students began to worry once again. “Are we truly safe at home?” they began to dramatically wonder while staring out their windows, imagining how much easier life would be if they were squirrels. Not long after the announcement of semester-long online education, another petition made rounds through campus… well, not like campus campus, but you get the idea. This new petition declared that just having classes online was not safe enough, and that the only solution would be to upload the consciousnesses of the entire student body to some sort of virtual cloud akin to The Matrix so that classes could be conducted via Zoom’s sister company, The HivemindTM (Off The Press is not endorsed by The HivemindTM). The petition was signed by over 1,600 students and 100,000 bots created by computer science students. As time went on, students continued to press the administration about this policy, but no word has been heard from them yet. We sent one of our top investigators to the (digital) scene to interview the Dean of Student Affairs about the matter via Zoooooom.
OTP: Hi, can you hear me?
D: …
OTP: Hello?
D: …
OTP: Ok I can see your mouth moving but I don’t hear anything. I think you’re muted.
D: Oh wps. Ok cn yo hr me no?
OTP: Uh kind of? I think your mic is messed up.
D: Ok what about now?
OTP: Ok yeah that’s better. So I had some questions for you concerning the recent—
D: *Vacuum noises*
OTP: Um I’m sorry I think—
D: *Louder vacuum noises* What?
OTP: I said I think someone is va—
D: *Even louder vacuum noises* *Dogs barking* *Fire alarms* *Screaming* *Cannon blasts*
OTP: Oh Jesus, what was that?!
D: What? Sorry I can’t hear you, let me close the door.
OTP: Alright… as I was saying, I have a few questions for you regarding the recent petition asking that the students’ consciousnesses be uploaded to a virtual cloud. Do you have any initial comments?
D: Hey look at these kooky backgrounds! Woah, I’m on the beach! Oooh now I’m in space!
Zooom then prompted the reporter with a window saying that their call could only last 40 minutes, and the meeting ended.
Although we did not glean much knowledge from this meeting, we here at Off The Press are hopeful that Stevens will listen to its students, just like they always do. Whether it be online classes or in The Matrix, Off The Press promises to continue delivering piping-hot scoops of cold, hard facts directly to your consciousness, no matter the circumstance.
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