Speculations abound as the administration recently announced the release of their newest fundraising initiative: a set of rentable e-scooters that work exclusively on campus. Lemon, the school’s alternative to the popular e-scooter rental Lime, is set to release next month all around campus.
The announcement came just weeks after the administration banned all forms of personal travel on campus, including the use of Lime scooters, Lemon’s eventual future competitor. While nominally for the good of public safety, some people are speculating that the school made the change purely to undercut Lime’s market. “While some may spread rumors about our intentions,” said one Stevens official, “Stevens wants to make it very clear that we care deeply for the safety and care of our students. And let’s be honest, with their low fuel mileage and their exorbitant price, Lime scooters are certainly a public hazard. Unlike our newest Lemon scooters, which are both comfortable and affordable! In fact, I’m giving everyone at this press release a complimentary $20 Lemon gift card just for attending!” The campus ban also applies to all personal transport devices, including skateboards and hoverboards, giving Lemon a virtual monopoly on the personal transport market. It is rumored that the school is considering banning the action of walking on campus, making renting a Lemon scooter the only possible choice for students trying to move anywhere on campus. “Over five hundred million walking accidents happen each year in the U.S. alone,” said Lemon’s head coordinator, Matthew Citrus, in a leaked memo to the administration. “How can Stevens say it cares for its students’ well-being when it won’t even regulate the most dangerous method of transportation: legs?”
Many students are outraged at the ban of personal transportation, as they feel that their favorite method of transportation is being threatened. “How am I supposed to feel superior to everyone else if I have to walk to class like a common pleb?” asked one student wavering precariously on an expensive-looking hoverboard. “You think riding this thing is easy? I literally only bought this thing to go up and down campus repeatedly and make everyone jealous of my cool hoverboard!” The student then rolled away in a huff, getting a good 20 feet away from our reporter before accidentally falling into a bush and angrily walking home.
Unfortunately, Off the Press is not a business column — that particular honor goes to our now-defunct sister column “Off Wall Street,” the head reporters of which were recently arrested for 27 counts of tax evasion — so we are unable to consult an expert opinion on this latest development. However, we at Off the Press are nothing if not stubborn, hungry for the truth, and completely willing to make absolute fools of ourselves in our own column. That is why I am about to write a scathing editorial about the predatory business practices of Stevens—
Apologies, dear readers, but I am momentarily distracted from my hard-hitting, Pulitzer Prize-winning essay because someone in a nice suit and dark sunglasses just stepped up to my typewriter and is motioning me to stop writing. Obviously, I cannot stop writing, but I am currently gazing thoughtfully at them while I am typing to indicate interest. They are currently handing over a comically large burlap sack with a large dollar sign and the words “From Stevens” printed on the side. I’m currently looking in — yes, it is indeed filled with an inordinate amount of $100 bills. The person is now looking between the bag and I meaningfully, their eyebrows raised but their eyes still hidden behind their glasses. Years of journalism training are leading me to conclude that they are leaving all of this money for me. Now they are pointing at my typewriter, upon which I am still clattering away at with the practiced ease of a professional journalist. Their eyebrows are raising even more; at this point they are threatening to become lost in the person’s fashionable bangs. They are currently doing the thing where they point two fingers at their eyes, then at me, in a repeating pattern. At this point, I can confirm that their eyebrows have been entirely consumed by their bangs, like a pair of hairy caterpillars that have been eaten by a large wall of compacted, equally hairy caterpillars. The person is now walking backwards out of the newsroom, their eyes presumably locked on mine. Now they are closing the door, and they have left — wait, no, they just popped their head back into the room to give me a final solemn glare before finally closing the door with a stern-sounding slam. Now I’m alone in the newsroom, with a large sum of money by my typewriter.
Anyways, as I was saying, Off the Press is not a business column, and as such does not have an official stance on this new development in campus business. We can only assume that everything is going to be fine and that the new Lemon scooters are going to be at least net-neutral for the campus as a whole. Um, I’m going to go now. Thank you for reading. Bye.
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