A collective sigh of relief ran throughout campus this week as the administration sent an email about the heating situation, stating that the school has now “transitioned into cooling mode.” This change came not a moment too soon, as temperatures sharply increase with the onset of summer and increase a bit further because of global warming. One student even described the heat as “really hot.”
However, many people are confused as to what “transitioning into cooling mode” entails and why the school needs to transition in the first place. That’s why Off the Press has set up a private interview with the head of the HVAC system of Stevens, Edward Heatman. (Yes, we recognize the coincidence. He’s really sensitive about it, so don’t mention it.) “Essentially, what happens is we turn on all the air conditioners,” Heatman explained. “One of the janitors goes around and flips the switches on all of them. Jeff, his name is. Nice guy. He’s pretty old, though, so it usually takes a day or two for him to hobble his way around campus.”
Some students have also wondered why the school needs to transition, and can’t just keep the air conditioners and heating available at all times of the year. “See, we thought about doing that: just leave everything plugged in all the time. But then Jeff wouldn’t be able to turn all the air conditioners on and off throughout the year! That’s really his favorite part of the job and, to be honest, that’s pretty much the only thing he does all year, so if we fixed the heating we’d also have to fire Jeff. And I don’t want to do that! He’s such a nice guy!”
Particularly observant souls have also noticed that the phrase “transitioned into cooling mode” sounds a bit strange to the untrained ear. “Well, part of it is that ‘transitioned into cooling mode’ sounds so much cooler than ‘turning on the air conditioners.’ But another part of it is that the school actually has a number of different modes that we can transition it into at a moment’s notice.”
There’s cooling mode, of course, but there’s also heating mode, when Jeff goes around and turns on all the heaters. Additionally, the school can also enter attack mode, during which twin laser guns emerge from Howe and Babbio, ready to render any unsuspecting foe into their base atoms.
“We’ve only used attack mode three times,” the administrator recalled. “One time was a mistake; we thought a migrating flock of geese was a group of stealth carriers coming at us — needless to say, there was some extra grilled chicken at Pierce that day. Another time, Attila somehow managed to get his wings on the launch codes, and set off the lasers during one of his ragers as a sort of fireworks show. The ISS only suffered minor damages, which was good. And the first time we used the guns was back when Stevens was still a castle, during the Spanish-American War. Some Spaniards decided to sneak up the coast and launch an assault on New York City; Pierce had some extra food that day, too.”
Conversely, the school can enter defense mode, during which a large transparent dome encapsulates all of campus to protect it from harm. “Defense mode is usually only used when the president is in danger,” the administrator elaborated. “It’s really a hassle to put up and take down the bubble, so we try to use it as sparingly as possible.”
Finally, the school can also transition into party mode, reserved for only the most deserving of celebrations. “It’s actually the most expensive mode we have: Attila keeps trying to sneak in and turn it on, but we’ve managed to keep him at bay so far. Let me tell you, there have been some close calls. Never mention the Christmas of ’81 to any of the staff.”
Exactly what happens when the school enters party mode is largely unknown, but there are some rumors. Legends of confetti, champagne, giant red and gray balloons, bread eating contests, and a huge dance floor hidden on the roof of Howe have survived to this day. As far as Off the Press is aware, the last time Stevens transitioned into party mode was when the school acquired the SS Stevens in 1968. Party mode has also been used at the end of World War II, during the third wedding of President William Davis, and out of spite, when some students at NJIT called Stevens students “a bunch of uptight nimrods.” (This was really bad at the time.)
Heatman noted that there are a number of other modes he can’t talk about, and probably some more that he isn’t even aware of. As the school transitions to cooling mode, though, it brings relief to hundreds of heat-stroked students who had been tantalized by the presence of unusable air conditioners. When the school’s other modes will be used is a matter of speculation, but we pray we’ll see party mode in our lifetimes.
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