A precautionary inspection of Peirce Dining Hall has uncovered what state health officials are calling a “serious, pervasive, and not easily addressable” rodent infestation of the university’s beloved dining institution. However, to the chagrin of authorities and delight of the administration, numerous students are demanding that rats be allowed greater access to the Peirce kitchen after it was found that they were improving the quality of the eatery’s food.
The inspection was called in shortly after dining workers noticed a number of large rats rolling around in trays of scalloped potatoes and rubbing themselves against pieces of chicken cordon bleu. However, after serving the dishes, Snevets said that it had received positive feedback from students regarding the taste of the affected chicken and potatoes.
“I’m not usually thrilled about these kinds of incidents,” said Executive Chef Antonius in a private interview with The Stupe, “but I’m speaking for my whole team when I say that we were sufficiently impressed by the culinary acumen of the vermin.”
Allowed access to Peirce’s kitchen, The Stupe observed hundreds of rats running rampant over counters, workstations, and even the food itself. One large brown rodent was seen knocking containers of spice, previously untouched, into side dishes. Another, apparently tampering with the settings on Peirce’s large-scale ovens, caused the casserole inside to be cooked at the correct temperature. Others were simply immersing themselves in the food, which occasionally had the effect of improving the appearance of the dishes once the rats had been removed.
“The rats are what we might call true connoisseurs of cuisine,” affirmed Sous-Chef Margaret.
Over the next several days, workers made changes to improve rodent accessibility to trays of food before they were served. Positive tips from patrons of Peirce continued to roll in, ultimately convincing Snevets to notify New Jersey health authorities that they would not comply with orders to cease operations. The State continues to assert that students are being misled by incorrect assumptions propagated by the 2007 film Ratatouille.
One student, Jasper Scheudenforken, disagrees. “Pest or not, the rats are doing in the kitchen what the human beings couldn’t.” Buoyed by proponents like Jasper, one rat, who has been deemed Tail, is being inducted as Snevets’s newest mascot.
At press time, 40% of the student body had died of the Bubonic Plague. The cause of the outbreak remains under investigation.
Disclaimer: This article is part of The Stupe and is satire
