Here, at Off The Press, we always strive to bring quality entertainment through our satire articles with a combination of lighthearted yet random humor and silly storytelling. But in this issue, we face something different–a very serious topic. Is it the economy? No, it’s way more serious than that. Is it the crime rate? No, it’s even more serious than that. Is it global warming? You’re getting warmer (no pun intended), but it’s still not that. No, the serious topic we want to deal with is studying for the finals. Each semester, hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and (gosh, how many hundreds are there?) hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of students are sent to take finals in order to try to achieve a passing grade for their class. Of course, students are wondering what to do in order to prepare for their finals. But in this issue, we decided to tackle this issue from a different perspective–what should students not do in order to prepare for the finals? So, without further ado, we present to you a list of everything you should not do before the finals.
You must never hatch a diabolical scheme to conquer the world using an army of mutated bunnies and mutated piglets that are easily swayed by pineapple and pickled pepper pizza in order to prepare for the finals. You must never eat half of all the curly french fries, half of all the flour-battered onion rings, and half of all the mac and cheese bites made out of swiftly grated cheddar cheese in the world to prepare for the finals. You must never ski off the Grand Canyon using your hands instead of your feet while you use your feet in order to eat a very large bowl of spicy vegetarian ramen in order to prepare for the finals. You must never steal every traffic light in Ontario and tie them together with dental floss to create a very fragile tightrope that you use to cross over the border between Canada and the United States of America while singing “The Young Daring Man on the Flying Trapeze” backward in A Minor and in French in order to prepare for the finals. You must ride in a submarine that goes underground instead of in the water in order to hunt for pink T-shirts buried in the core of the Earth while making a rap song about the cold agony of waiting for the first final to be taken and teaching sheep to tap dance with their ears in order to prepare for the finals. You must never go on a road trip in Vermont to visit a haunted house where you and your friends will entertain all the ghosts, demons, witches, and goblins that live there by singing “Goodbye, My Coney Island Baby” as a barbershop quartet while burping everything you are singing in order to prepare for the finals. And finally, but most importantly (wrong choice of words, since this is more important than more important than more important than more important than more important than more important than more important than more important than most importantly), you must never ever never ever never ever never ever never ever never ever never ever never ever never ever never ever never ever never ever never ever never ever (pant, pant, pant, sorry, I am just stopping to catch my breath before I keep going on) never ever never ever never ever do this: Read this article many times in order to prepare for the finals.
