This column, Off The Press, is known for being very wacky and providing all kinds of humorous news pieces. However, for this issue, we decided to go back to a simpler time when jokes required a basic setup and punchline, looking at the way that manipulating words for humorous effect caused us to try to look at the world in a unique way. So, we present wordplay based on the following topics: Fruits and Vegetables, Birds, Insects, Sports, Outer Space, and American State and City Names.
What do you get when you cross a dog with a fruit? You get a mango lassie! How do you make apple pie? You take the apple area of a circle and divide it by the apple radius squared! Once, I wanted to get a job as a fruit, so I sent in my application. Another time, I was going to medical school, and the teacher was a doctor. Like any good student, I put an apple on her desk, but for some reason, it kept her away. How do you make an eggplant? You give it a watering can!
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Because it is too far to walk. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they would be called bagels. What is green and likes to peck on wood? A wood-pickle! Where do ducks go when their backs are hurting? At the chiro-quack-tor! What kind of bird likes to double as an arcade game? A crane! Why do thieves like banks that use robins as currency? Because thieves always like robin banks!
How is a spider similar to a computer scientist? Both are good at developing webs and catching bugs. How is a spider similar to Elmer Fudd? Both want to have Bugs for dinner. What do you call a very cheap bug? A cent-ipede! What do you call a very small pillar? A caterpillar! Why do bees like to hum? Because they don’t know the lyrics! What kind of bat likes to act like a bug? A cricket bat!
What kind of sport do ties like to play? Bow-ling! What do you call a person who speaks many different languages while bowling? Bowl-lingual. What do golfers like to eat for lunch? A club sandwich! What sport do people like to play in the desert? Valley-ball! Why do mathematicians play tennis early in the morning? Because they always know that tenn-is after nine! Why is Charlie Brown bad at baseball but good at bowling? Because in both sports, he is good at getting strikes! When do philosophers and opportunists rarely fail at baseball? Because they only strike while the iron is hot!
How do planets keep their pants up? With an asteroid belt! Which binary star system usually doesn’t laugh at jokes? The one that is Sirius! What planet likes to act like a dog? Pluto! What kind of rock do vegetarians not like eating? The ones that are a little Meat-eor! What kind of sea do space pirates like to cross? The Galack sea! What food do squirrels eat in space? Astro-nuts!
What do people in Florida do when they get mad? They throw Tampa tantrums! I once asked a friend what the capital of Alaska was. He replied, “Juneau?” And I said back to him, “I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking you!” I was talking to a friend about where different animals live, and I told him, you find buffalo in the Great Plains, but my friend said, “No, you find Buffalo in New York”!
