As the best, and only, newspaper on Snevets campus, The Stupe, has long been trusted as the prime source for “accurate information” for campus news. But recently, certain naysayers have been doubting the credibility of the humble school paper. It’s hard to imagine that after 200 years of service to this community the accuracy of The Stupe reporting is called into question. These negative Nancy’s are causing the community to doubt the position of The Stupe as a long cherished staple of the Snevets community. Well, the record here needs to be set straight. Here at The Stupe, we take our values of secrecy, misdirection, hiding in plain sight, and most importantly, honesty, very seriously. All articles that are published are fact checked by very real living humans.
The point is that The Stupe has a long history of providing news stories that only occasionally are complete hallucinations. Take for instance this week’s wonderful investigative piece about the extreme weather patterns we’ve seen. Though many already assumed that administration was controlling the weather, we now know for certain that they are. Or the now proven existence of building dwellers. You know, the group of students who after dark slip into the abandoned buildings unseen and live there at night hiding from roaming staff and unmentionable creatures.
Honestly, the people who doubt The Stupe credibility probably don’t even read it as thoroughly as they should. The paper recently uncovered that 90% of students didn’t even know we had a Gateway East. We pointed it out on a map, and after the initial look of horror and disbelief, they promptly forgot what they had just seen. I mean, obviously we couldn’t take them to the location, we’re not monsters.
Contrary to the common rumors circulating, Dave’s Hall is not getting destroyed. This is why you should get your information from a newspaper, and not your friend Dave. Yes he is lovely, but he actively is campaigning for Dave’s to be destroyed so that he doesn’t have to face competition for the most beautiful thing named Dave aware that’s given out everywhere. He’s come second to Dave’s Hall two years in a row, and he does not plan on going down without a fight. So trust The Stupe, we definitely don’t vote for Dave’s Hall every single year for The Most Beautiful Dave Award, we are perfectly unbiased to that gorgeous building.
Of course, The Stupe is reporting on all news happening around on campus. As the number one weekly paper at Snevets we take pride in our work and do not like false detractors. Truth is a matter of perspective, and the view of The Stupe is always the correct one. Never once has the Stute been wrong on anything, if it has you are misremembering it, and if you are not then it was not that serious, and if it was then it’s not our fault.
Disclaimer: This article is part of The Stupe and is satire.
