I would like to dedicate this article to all of my fellow Ducks who, to this day, do not know the North Tower is really Harries Tower. Luckily for you lot, there will be another huge, gaudy sign on campus for you to ignore! Contrary to popular belief, both Towers had alumni lining up, cash in hand, to donate. Oddly, the Board of Trustees screened donors by last name, regardless of their promised contributions. While The Stupe has not been able to view the meeting minutes, it is alleged that the more seasoned board members seeked to capture the “phallic” spirit of Snevets at its roots. Consequently, there has been much delay in finding a suitable donor for the South Tower.
The two frontrunners were Jacques M. Balles ‘68 and William Hard Shaft ‘70. In what can only be described as a “money” measuring contest, Balles and Shaft entered a fierce bidding war, throwing money at Snevets almost as fast as student athletes do at sports betting. Ultimately, Balles won out, donating a girthy 68.999 million dollars to Snevets. Fret not, dear reader, for William did not entirely lose out. Coming to the 7th Floor of Howe in 2025, is the Hard Shaft Lounge, “A space for students and faculty alike to relax, unwind, and toss off their loads.”
With both Towers now named, there have been calls to rename the UCC entirely. This renaming would help alleviate the confusion when referring to either the Student Center or the Residential Towers section of the UCC. Given their construction, the Harries and Balles Towers would be known as the “Scrapers.” Renowned for its nap spots, the Student Center would be referred to as “The Sack.” The entirety of the complex would then go by Harries-Balles Sack.
Disclaimer: This article is part of The Stupe and is satire.
