Two years ago, I took a class called Psychology of Gender (I highly recommend it if anyone is interested), and it made me start to notice things that I hadn’t ever thought about before. One of the things we talked about was the way that men and women listen and respond when someone comes to them with a problem, as well as the response that men and women expect when they come to someone with a problem. Typically, men respond to problems with solutions. If someone comes to them to complain about their class schedule, a more typical response for a guy might be, “You should talk to your academic advisor.” Meanwhile, a girl might be more likely to say, “That sucks, I’m sorry. I know some other people who are also having the same issue.” This is not to say that girls won’t suggest solutions and boys won’t show support, but men and women are more likely to lead off with and focus on their respective methods of empathy. Similarly, people who default to showing sympathy might expect a similar response when they bring an issue to another person and might interpret a given solution as minimizing their issues. People who default to giving solutions might see sympathy as dismissive and unhelpful.
Looking at the people that I know, these communication styles don’t always line up with gender. I know that I default to trying to solve problems, and it took me a while to understand that not everyone wants that. I also see that these ways of responding line up with common gender stereotypes. Women are supposed to be soft and caring while men are supposed to be realistic and take action. I don’t think that these traits are biological. Culture influences women to be sympathetic and heavily stigmatizes men for being emotional, so these responses might come from the gendered expectations of how masculinity and femininity should exist.
Either way, both responses can be incredibly helpful and kind if you interpret them correctly. When people offer solutions, they are showing that they care about what happens to the other person, and they want things to get better. Although we don’t always want solutions in the middle of facing a problem, getting an outside opinion from someone who cares can be incredibly helpful. When people offer sympathy, they’re trying to communicate that the other person isn’t alone. A lot of the time, people already know how to fix their issues, and they just need someone to listen.
Everyone cares about the people around them, and by learning how to understand people’s ways of showing their care, we can better appreciate our support systems when we’re going through a difficult situation. By being conscious of our friends’ needs, we can also learn how to give support better. Typical male and female psychology could be different for many reasons, but the result is a diverse array of ways that people can show care and offer help.
