Recently, there has been an increase in worsening test scores all throughout Stevens. The average GPA of all students is plummeting faster than a dime off the Empire State Building. As a result, more people have been going away from Stevens to other colleges. What is causing this? Though it is rumored to be caused by the general laziness and lack of accountability of the students, this rumor is false because it has been scientifically proven by renowned human biologist and behavior analyst Dr. Thomas Albert Edistein that any student that studies at Stevens is immune to any sense of laziness or bad behavior. So, what is really making all the test scores drop in Stevens?
Recent observations on hi-tech security cameras reveal the answer. There have been various spies sneaking over to the various water fountains to add a substance called Kayko, which is designed to reduce the intelligence of students who are trying to study diligently. Every single water fountain on the campus, from Castle Point to Gateway North and Gateway South, is routinely tampered with by Kayko in order for students to succumb to such a lack of intelligence. Thankfully, the water always reverts back to normal after a while, so the water fountains aren’t completely infected. However, the spies keep coming back again and again to try to routinely add Kayko to the water fountains. Who are these spies, and why are they adding Kayko?
Luckily, further investigation from following the spies leads to discovering that they originate from other colleges in New Jersey, such as Princeton, Rutgers, NJIT, Montclair, TCNJ, and many others. Secret recordings of the conversations of the spies reveal that the motivation behind these infestations is to prevent Stevens students from performing better than these other colleges. Most of these colleges are envious that Stevens students are performing well and causing them to get ranked high in New Jersey colleges, and even Princeton is afraid that Stevens might replace it as an Ivy League college. So, the other New Jersey colleges ended up working together to concoct a special kind of serum to lower the intelligence of successful students and trying to distribute it all throughout Stevens to put their plan into effect.
To counter this, Stevens has been creating several booby traps to prevent all kinds of spies from entering on campus. Whenever a non-Stevens person enters a building, an alarm is sounded before a trapdoor is revealed, causing the person to fall before the person gets hit with pies, sprayed with seltzer water, and then shot out of a non-fatal cannon back to the Hoboken train station. To differentiate between someone from Stevens and someone not from Stevens, sensors try to detect the smell of the sweat of the person as Dr. Edistein states that the sweat of a person from Stevens is biologically different from that of someone not from Stevens. In addition, several robotic lantern flies will fly around Stevens to detect any potential spies. If a spy is spotted, then the robotic lantern fly is going to excrete some oil, causing the spy to slide all the way over to the Hoboken train station. In addition, floor tiles are built to blow spies high into the air away from Stevens when they are stepped on. To prevent any fatal accidents, there is a designated soft landing spot the spies fall on near the Hoboken train station that also accounts for changes in the wind.
Though the inclusion of spies may sound scary, Stevens has created foolproof plans to prevent the spies from carrying out their wicked plans. Through careful planning, we can proudly maintain our academic integrity at Stevens.
