Now that we’ve dotted the last “i” and crossed the last “t”(much to its dissatisfaction), Off the Press is excited to announce our new website is up and running and ready for a mad dash of traffic. Upon launch, the first user, Dash, was quick to connect the dots to realize none of us knew how to run a website. It redirected to OTP dot com, our old website where our friend Dot would ask you to sign weird forms on the dotted line. Dot has since abandoned that job so Dash was immersed in a really awful “news” website for quite a while before he was finally interrupted by a DoorDash order of “just the beans from Taco Bell.” The driver got a great tip and review for arriving at 6 o’clock on the dot.
When we heard about this strange order though, we wondered who else would be the type of guy to just order beans. One of our editors is known for snacking on cans directly so much so that a few friends started giving him bags of dried beans, but we couldn’t think of anyone else. Thinking about the beans made us realize that they were also Dot’s favorite food, and every day at noon she would dash out the door and get to the store to buy a can of dotted beans for lunch. We said she abandoned the job, but in reality, she was fired from it because every time she needed to write an ellipsis, she would only write dot dot. Everyone knows, an ellipsis is dot dot dot.
Maintaining a website is a lot of work though. No one told us we’d still have to pay to have it hosted, and we aren’t about to give a bunch of money to Jeffrey Bezos and Amazon Web Services. So we’re looking for a really social person to constantly host all the people who go on our website. We dashed to Dot’s place to ask her to come back, but had a fender bender with her car, and her dashcam showed Dot wasn’t breaking any laws, we were. Our host would have to register with the NJ DOT because they’ll be driving so much traffic to our site that Dasher the reindeer might have to get involved to carry people over the cars. We expect Dasher’s dashing looks and the thrill of riding on essentially a flying horse to be significant pull factors.
The big surprise for our loyal readership here, is that we’re doing more than just a website. Only for members who read at least two thirds of our articles, next week we’re opening a stock exchange. No crypto here, only early 2000s tech stocks like eToys and Flooz. We’re recreating the dot com bust. Accessible only through our partner Dashlane’s VPN, you’ll have colorful, informative dashboards to watch your money disappear as you wring your hands and cry out “That’s Balderdash!” You will of course be able to access the stock exchange from our website, but we assure you that they are two separate entities and not at all a scam to fund our future operations because journalism of our quality is a thankless job.
Hopefully by now you’ve been able to find the answer to all your questions about our website and journal, you can put all the pieces of the puzzle together. But it’s only our job to bring you the information, not tell you what to do with it.
Disclaimer: this article is a part of The Stupe and is satire
