Off the Press got an urgent message this week on behalf of the silly little guys on campus. It took five of them stacked on top of each other in a little trench coat to get the envelope through the mail slot on our door, but late Thursday night, an adorable little envelope slid through the slot and to the top of our mail pile. The contents however, were anything but adorable.
The silly little guys need our help. Overall silliness in the local area has declined dramatically recently, and similar to an enzyme that needs specific temperature and pH levels to function, these little guys need the right silliness levels to get by. They aren’t sure of the exact causes of the reduction in silliness, but the drop off seems to have started when they didn’t have their favorite oatmeal for breakfast. The oatmeal has since been replenished, but there’s no one to cut the banana into little slices for them, and they don’t like oatmeal without a healthy dollop of fruit, specifically sliced banana. What’s more, the brown sugar got into big clumps, clumps too big for their little spoons to break up, and now they can’t sweeten the oatmeal either.
We here at Off the Press need these silly little guys. Their small stature makes them excellent eavesdroppers, getting us all of our best and some of our most average tips. Their unabashed enthusiasm keeps us motivated when we’re poring over financial documents searching for detergent that might be left over from money laundering or scanning security footage for any Duracells when we hear there might be a battery case. Without the silly little guys, your premier source of journalism would cease to put out the finest 600 word weekly columns that tell you everything you need to know and some things you don’t.
But it’s not just Off the Press. Literally any time anyone has ever laughed ever in history, it’s because there was a silly little guy pulling the strings. They have developed electrical nodes that can cause your diaphragm and other relevant muscles that the author can’t be bothered to look up to expand and contract in such a way that you smile and laugh. You know when you think about your favorite person in the world and you kinda just involuntarily smile? There’s actually a little guy standing very carefully on your head pulling up the corners of your mouth with itty bitty ropes.
The silly little guys don’t have long. They project that within two weeks, they’ll have to cut their workforce due to insufficient silliness supply. If that happens, they wouldn’t be able to make as many people smile and laugh. Everyone would just go around growling at each other. You could tell a spectacular joke on a date, and your date would just kind of look at you because there wouldn’t be a silly little guy to make them smile. Or maybe your joke wasn’t that good. These guys have standards you know.
So how can you help? Off the Press is hosting a charity dinner, with not only free food but also sketch comedy. Some of your favorite silly little guys like the three blind mice, Frog and Toad, and Waldo will be in attendance. So if you’re ready to bring the silliness levels skyrocketing back to where they belong, be sure to come to Off Center’s only sketch show of the semester: Charity Dinner to Benefit the Silly Little Guys on 3/24 at 9 p.m!
