Student becomes corporation

After hearing about how “corporations and people are basically the same,” and “corporations make a lot of money,” one entrepreneurship-minded business student saw an opportunity to get firsthand startup experience and has now become a corporation. We caught up with Big Money Corps Inc. for more on how he went from “Dave” to a major multinational corporation traded on the NYSE.

“It started as a senior design project back when I was a person and a finance major,” Big Money Corps said in an official company statement, “but it’s really annoying filing all these extra forms with the SEC and having to tell all my shareholders everything I’m doing with my life.” Shareholders have the chance to buy stock in Big Money Corps Inc. and can vote on decisions like if Dave should become a vegetarian or if he should walk through the park on his way home this week. The easiest part so far has been having an HR department, but the company has struggled to raise capital since no one really cares if Dave goes through the park or not. Also, because corporations are legally separate from their owner, which is the stockholders and not Dave, it becomes a very existential crisis of identity.

In his spare time now, Big Money Corps Inc. has begun doing more things that corporations and people do. He’s already filed thirty lawsuits against people infringing on his intellectual property and plans to file more even though we told him that what most people call “thoughts” can’t be legally owned. The most interesting lawsuit out there right now is a trademark infringement on everyone else named Dave. We, unfortunately, cannot comment on it due to its ongoing nature and the fact that one of our reporters, the one who interviewed Big Money Corps, is named Dave himself.

Dave/Big Money Corps has enjoyed contributing to elections far beyond what anyone should be allowed to donate to political campaigns and has started paying himself a salary. He’s asking himself for a raise next week and remembered to ask for a little more than he really wants so he has room to negotiate down. Meanwhile, Big Money Corps is expecting Dave to ask for a raise next week and is worried because as the only employee, he has a lot of leverage. The largest internal dispute within the company is the potential for unionization due to the low number of employees (one) that would need to vote in favor of a union for it to pass. Dave is planning on filing a workplace malpractice suit against Big Money Corps but is running into issues with conflict of interest in the courts, and no judge wants to let a guy walk back and forth between the plaintiff and defendant desks arguing with himself in their courtroom.

Dave plans to commit tax fraud and misrepresent the financial state of the company to investors. He also wants to start paying investors using other investors’ money in what many of us call a Ponzi scheme. Big Money Corps denies the allegations by the rogue employee, but would not comment on why he is still employed by the company. With impeccable logic, Dave told us that “they’d never fire me because they are me.”

As a show of goodwill, we bought 10% of Big Money Corps and are planning on voting for him to become a vegetarian. We think we can form a coalition with some of the other owners to force Dave to become a TikTok influencer as well.