A giant portal to the underworld was opened by the Torch Bearers statue this week and nowhere near enough people are as freaked out about it as we are. “It’s literally a portal to the underworld, what do you not understand guys,” said our editor desperately trying to get quotes from passersby. Dinosaur cries could be heard from deep within as well as what we think was a dodo bird but we were unable to find a recording of what it sounded like so we’re not sure.
The swirling winds and thunderstorms surrounding the portal made it really hard to tell what our reporter was saying. Shouting over the wind and rain, we could just make out him saying something like, “and as you can see, oomph, ow! The portal is—oof getting stronger—oof,” before he lost his footing and began getting sucked inexorably into the portal. Our cameraman dashed toward the portal and grabbed his hands just as his feet reached the event horizon. He tried to claw his way back along the grass but the rain and power of the portal were too strong and both our lovely colleagues began to slide into the portal again. The desperate struggle continued, but the wet, slippery grass meant it could only end one way.
Or so we thought.
Just as the cameraman’s head slipped out of sight behind the purple swirls of the portal to the underworld, a terrific screech could be heard and both of our colleagues flew back out of the portal on the back of a dodo bird, which, we found out later is a flightless bird, but anything goes in the underworld I guess. “Why did we let these things go extinct?!” was our reporter’s reply when we asked if he was okay. Once it was clear the focus was really all about the dodo bird, we brought in our animal expert for more expertise. Unfortunately, just as they arrived a hunter/explorer from the 1800s came out of the portal and shot the bird which promptly got swept back into the portal. All we had time to do was say “What the hell, man?”
We pushed him back into the portal so he could forever be haunted by the knowledge that he ended our last chance to talk to a dodo bird. But we had little time to celebrate our public service as in a Night at the Museum Moment, the Torch Bearers themselves came to life as the power of the underworld continued to permeate the area.
As the massive silver guys finally passed off the torch they had been holding for longer than anyone could remember, the one on the horse fell off and made a giant dent in the very expensive pedestal the statue is built on. Inertia’s a bitch I guess, and the horse had places to be. They gave us a fist bump which sent us all flying backward into a pile of lanternflies by UCC and then jumped through the portal, finally released from their earthly burdens. Godspeed gentlemen.
What did we learn from this experience? Why are we reporting it? Is it newsworthy? Of course it is. There was a portal to the underworld. It was so cool. And as quickly as it opened, it closed. The winds died down, the leaves stopped swirling, and the only evidence that it had ever been was the now missing Torch Bearers statue. And a dodo bird feather.
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