Wow, that was quick and to everyone’s surprise as to how it got here so fast despite it coming at the same time of year every year (with a 1 day margin of error for leap years), it’s October! All over campus, pumpkins were visible in the form of spicy lattes and bread. As more leaves from trees populated the grounds, the crunching became deafening and some professors were even seen raking the lawn near their classrooms to reduce noise for their students’ tests in a remarkable display of compassion and acknowledgement of the necessity of silence.
With the onset of fall came a brand new event, the speed pumpkin carving challenge, where contestants were given a series of large, sharp, and pointy tools and told to carve a design into a pumpkin as quickly as possible. The first student to get close enough won a free entrance to the UCC towers without a resident letting them in. We were on the scene for the event last Sunday.
“LOOK OUT!!” came a cry just in time for our editor to duck under a massively oversized machete that definitely is only allowed for military people in the jungle. Unfortunately, the duck caused him to step on what we hope was a severed hand but no one we approached was willing to claim it as their own. Multiple people were missing hands and we’re not a crime lab or narcs so we don’t have fingerprinting technology to figure out whose they were. The hand is now soaking in alcohol on display in a cool glass jar in our office, and our science experts are hard at work to make it sentient like the hand from the Addams Family.
Moving on to the judges station, several students with progressively larger knives in their teeth were sitting at a table and were delighting in the opportunity to dramatically take the knife and stab it into the pumpkins presented before them. “I’m just glad I even made it to this point. So many of my friends are in the hospital or lying on the field,” said a one-footed contestant on his way to the judges table.
“Put the orange beast on the table!” commanded the middle judge as our contestant struggled to lift the hulking orange mass with some cuts that resembled a face if the looker forgot what a face looked like. “UNSATISFACTORY,” came the verdict seconds later. Large guys who we are pretty sure were just hired for this event quickly frog-marched the contestant into a dungeon and we haven’t heard from him since.
After a few hours and a couple of duels between vampires and werewolves that somehow ended in the creation of a werepire, it was time for the finals. All of the contestants looked like the type of guys to beat up our editors for an annoying question, but whimpered when the judges called their carvings “feeble” and “decrepit.” None of the contestants seemed to have much longer before needing a blood transfusion so when the winner was announced, everyone breathed a sigh of relief and looked for a nurse with an IV. Don’t tell the judges we said this, but we think the guy who got second should’ve won, the mouth had way more definition than the winner. His carving didn’t have teeth or gums, and he definitely had an illegal spoon that allowed him to scoop out the seeds faster.
Clearly, spooky season is in full swing now, and we could be more excited, but that would require drugs so for all practical and legal purposes, we could not be more excited.
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