After the splendid, perfect, and all-around awesome career fair which did not feature any issues at all whatsoever except for the teensy little moment when a bunch of students who waited for hours did not even get in due to building occupation restrictions (although we fully support abiding by fire codes), Stevens was back at it again last week with a Fall Fling dance that featured a truly remarkable string quartet and an alcohol room that ran out of the beautiful nectar of life in the middle of the event. No one could have predicted that the aforementioned quartet would bring in such a massive audience but many of the people who had to leave the area where the musicians could be heard and wait in line were dismayed to realize that they missed excellent renditions of Bad Romance by Lady Gaga, Themes from Ratatouille, and more for nothing but glasses full of empty promise.
In an unexpected move, Stevens approached us to investigate other places where lines could be used as opportunities or deterrents for students. We think they approached us due to our smashing good looks and impeccable wordsmanship, but they claimed, “It’ll be a cool bit you can write about.” This was an unmissable opportunity for us to contribute to the Stevens community in a much more tangible way than journalism, so we could not afford to make a mistake. In our report, submitted just yesterday to the administration, we claim, “long lines to get into classes, especially for exams or labs, would be beneficial for student academic success. These lines should be long enough that students and professors frequently do not get into the classroom in time.” The idea here is, get this, people won’t have to attend as many classes. We feel comfortable putting it here because the administration doesn’t read these articles and anyone who would quote us as their primary source probably agrees with our plan.
The lines will be accomplished by setting all classroom fire code maximums to 3 people and making doors have a special, voice-activated passcode to enter that changes every day and is only posted on Workday. We got our cybersecurity division on the task of making all the passcodes something like “poopy baby” so that tells you how proactive we are. Ice cream trucks are being recruited to drive around campus and have really good ice cream so lines to get to the trucks block student walkways and noise makes it so no one wants to stay in class. This has the double bonus of having ice cream trucks on campus which are pretty sick.
The writer wants to throw in a joke here about lines that you can do instead of waiting in but has been informed by our chief editor that we are only allowed one cocaine joke a semester and it’s reserved for the third issue in October. We have to keep a strict cap on the number of jokes we put in to uphold our unblemished reputation.
One place where everyone will want to be but somehow there won’t be a long line to get in and no one will be turned away is Off Center’s first show of the semester Under the C: How My GPA Fell Below 1.8 featuring sketch and improv in B111 at 9 p.m. on Friday, September 30 and 3 p.m. on Saturday, October 1. Disclaimer: Off the Press stands for the highest standards of academic integrity and rigor so we don’t recommend letting your GPA fall below 1.8. But in case it does…
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