Per Stevens, ad Snevets

Being Editor-in-Chief is not an easy task. There are a lot of people to appease, such as fellow Stupers, Attila, Pearl from Pierce, the general student body — and a lot of people to make fun of, such as Pinnacle Scholars and IT, or, more specifically, the hamster running the WiFi on campus. In order to fully take on the massive task that this is, I sent out a poll asking what new additions to campus students, faculty and staff, and Attilla would like to see. The poll is out and the answers are in, and here’s what’s crack-a-lackin on campus:

Requests from the Stevens community:

1. From Stupers: an office on the roof of the University Towers, rather than on some lackluster floor within the shiny, brand new building itself. The new office would preferably be situated next to the rumored rooftop pool that currently only the Honor Board Frat has access to and has been trying unsuccessfully to keep on the down low.
2. From the student body: Palmer Lawn turned into a golf course. Current suggestions for the course include starting at the statue, going through the third floor of the library (bonus points if you can name a single person there), and then following your ball at a similar velocity out of the third-floor window onto Palmer Lawn itself, where multiple statues of dinosaurs will be installed in order to pay homage to our administrators.
3. From Attila: A pond, location negotiable. In Attila’s words, “Isn’t it against OSHA protocols to have a duck as a mascot, but no pond? And no, the beach volleyball court, when it rains, does not count.” (Apparently, even Attila has it out for the geese.)
4. From Pearl from Pierce: for skateboarders to not try to bring their boards into Pierce. “For the hundredth time, leave it at the door. You’re not Tony Hawk. People aren’t going to not recognize you because you don’t have a board. Now go, run and get your choccy milk before it runs out.”  
5. From Natalie, The Stupe’s previous Editor in between reps: “STUTE WEIGHT ROOM. GRIND DON’T STOP.”

Other suggestions from the high and mighty of Stevens society:

1. From Pinnacle Scholars: To have their own fraternity, because if the Honor Board can have it, why can’t they? From a source that wished to be anonymous, “We are of the same echelon of Stevens society as the Honor Board, and as such we kindly request to be treated similarly.” And from a second anonymous source, notably on their way to a Stevens-sponsored Billie Eilish concert with the former, “Actually, we are even above the Honor Board because we were chosen before they knew our personalities and based off our empirical level of success only.” (Which, as we now know, is not the case, but that information was not leaked at the time) “So yeah, that’s why Stevens rewards us with all sorts of exclusive events by treating us as of a higher class.” 
2. From the hamster running Stevens WiFi: “It’s been 193 days and I’m still stuck on this wheel. They keep telling me that I’m the backbone of Stevens Net but the IT interns have told me they’re still stuck connecting to the Guest WiFi. What am I doing here then? What is my point in life? What is life? Can I go back to my family now?”
3. From IT: “How do you know about the hamster??”
4. From Greek Life: A quote from the only non-nocturnal fraternity member. “Natty Lite Dispenser. Who make? Engineer. Who drink? BizTech. Who confused? CS.” But before he could elaborate further on the plans for this avant-garde model, the moon came out from behind the sun and he howled and ran away on all fours.
5. From the people who run Workday at Stevens: “More confusion about our platform, naturally. We’re weeding out the technologically inept, it is a tech school after all.”

As your new Editor-in-Chief, I can’t promise that all of these will happen but what I can promise is that we’ll submit a work request, and, if it doesn’t get lost in the system, then maybe some of these improvements will happen.