(Editor’s Note: This article is satire)
Tensions are rising as Snevets proves it is able to design buildings that don’t look like vomit stains. Leaving people wondering; what happened with the Wesley J. Howe Center? Recently, protesters have been popping up at the Campus Center demanding its immediate removal. The protesters seem to have one simple goal, to push the building into the Hudson River allowing it to float back to where it came from, (Hell I presume?). After speaking to a few protesters, I was told that the Howe Center was “the biggest eyesore on the east coast,” and “the worst thing that has happened to this country.”
As protests continue, campus police begin to fear that people will take action toward what they’re calling “the big push.” Campus Chief of Police Gerald H. Howe, the self-proclaimed grandson of Wesley J. Howe (no real evidence), has been vocal with his opinion on the protests. “I respect the first amendment, but the rioters have no right to be doing what they’re doing,” Howe told reporters. Following the Police Chief’s anti-protest statements, rumors have begun to appear that he requested assistance from the United States National Guard, potentially wanting to enact martial law on campus until the protesters can be prosecuted.
With no statements from Snevets regarding the soon-to-be terrorists, the entire campus has been wondering where President Narfarvar is. After hours of questioning different offices regarding the location of the President, he seems to be off “somewhere re-budgeting campus spending to make Pinnacle Scholars’ time more enjoyable.” Some think that Favardin’s time management is irresponsible and has the potential to lead to a major campus disaster. However, several offices on campus insist that they have the situation under control, regardless of the steps the President is taking to solve the issue.
Campus employees stationed in the Howe Center are wondering what they can do to help keep the protesters from acting irrationally. Dining Hall employees are attempting to bribe the protesters with free snack swipes. The Snevets bookstore has offered 10% off the price of textbooks in order to try to sway protesters to opt to study rather than following through with their initial plans. While employees of the Howe Center are doing the best they can to buy themselves more time, the protesters do not seem to be taking their bait.
With the anti-Howe activists growing more impatient as time continues, no one is able to tell where their demonstrations may lead. Some students believe that the campus is taking the protesters too seriously and that it is a waste of campus resources to deal with unharmful demonstrations that show no real threat. Although, others believe that the Campus Police and President are not taking the threats seriously enough and that their lack of action will lead to detrimental consequences for the future of Snevets. With campus split down the middle, and as protests progress, stay tuned to The Stupe for updates regarding the situation and potential impending prosecutions.
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