This past week, in an unprecedented move, Svenets’ fraternities hosted their first ever community service event — the Magic Mike Olympics. The Interfraternity Council (IFC) and Undergraduate Student Life found out all the fraternities were lying about their community service hours. Rather than kick the frats off campus, they compromised on a week-long event, where all donation proceeds would go to “Brothers Need Beer,” a charity that finds the most privileged men and gives them a beer to cope with how unfairly they’re treated in the United States.
The Magic Mike Olympics was comprised of both individual and team events. It was an opportunity for each fraternity to showcase their best boozehounds, fiends, and chauvinists. The fraternity that raised the most money would be crowned the “Sexiest Chads” on campus. There are mixed feelings about the event, one brother, Nick Dooshiback, from Delta Omicron said, “I mean, like yeah, it sucks balls we gotta do this, but I get to drink and it’s going to a good cause I guess.”
The first event was a classic chug-off where each frat sent their best brothers to out drink one another. All fraternities attended except Phi Omega Chi, who were all too busy consuming low-priced ganja. Fee Fi Foo’s representative opened a beer and passed out. In a not surprising turn of events, the remaining contestants had to stop after three beers. The only contestant barely conscious was Alpha Nu’s very own Miles Philion. He can certainly hang.
Another event was Stoner Basketball, a self-explanatory bracket style tournament where teams of five competed. The Cottage did not have enough active members to form a team so were automatically disqualified. Kappa Theta brothers were complaining that the net was too high for them. A furious pantsing broke out between the contestants forcing the referee, Kenneth Nielson, Dean of Students, to call foul and end the tournament before things got too steamy.
The final event was Pole Dance Off. Each contestant was surprisingly good, as they were seen practicing day and night before the event. There was no conclusive winner for this event, it was an all the way tie.
The Magic Mike Olympics raised an astonishing $69,420. The Honor Board Frat was crowned the “Sexiest Chads” on campus. These delinquents are certainly worthy of the title. Kevin Grunder, Assistant Director of Fraternity & Sorority Life said this about the event, “I am beyond proud of these brothers, it just goes to show that if you combine all the brain cells of these men then they can accomplish some amazing things.” Many hope that with the success of the event it will be made an annual tradition.
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