After just recovering from a massive ransomware attack in August 2019, Snevets’ IT department has just taken another critical blow, sending the administration into a frenzy and further devaluing a Snevets Cybersecurity Degree. Last Wednesday, hackers were able to gain access to top-secret documents found through the Snevets website. An anonymous group of hackers known only as “4chan” have claimed responsibility for the attack, and they described their process as a “brute force man-in-the-middle phishing attack” where they “exploited the website’s encrypted firewall” and “accessed cloud metadata through a virtual private network token vulnerability.” From here, they were able to download all of Snevets’ private data (totaling over 400 megabytes!), including some confidential documents. These documents were released on the dark web and detail private communications between staff, including Narfarvar’s skincare routine, Giantforehead’s slightly below average package, and most importantly, how Snevet’s chooses their Pinnacle Scholars.
According to these leaked documents, there are five qualities Snevets looks for in its applicants when choosing who should be a Pinnacle Scholar. The first is money, Snevets will make their richest applicants Pinnacles, in hopes that they will accept and pay full tuition fees. Accepting wealthier students also skyrockets Snevet’s Long Term Investment rating, since wealthier students are more likely to remain affluent.
The second quality they look for is rhythmic, if your name rhymes with any fruit or vegetable, you are guaranteed to become a Pinnacle. In their documents, Snevet’s research claims that students with names that rhyme with food are more likely to eat that food, and by accepting more of these students, they can serve worse food at the dining hall. In 2019, 20% of Pinnacle’s last names rhymed with “tofu,” which explains the dramatic increase in unpalatable Pierce meals.
The third thing Snevets looks for in Pinnacles is as they call it “one’s connection with the duck state of mind.” To find this, Snevets searches every applicant’s social media and counts the number of times a post is made relating to ducks. The more duck-related posts, the more likely you are to be a Pinnacle. This is multiplied if the posts are in reference to Snevets Ducks, but you are completely disqualified if you post a picture of Attila the Duck. No reasoning is given for this decision.
The fourth qualification for being a Pinnacle is a little hard to explain and involves the yearly Snevet’s administration holiday party. Every year, the staff holds a musical chairs tournament (to the sound of the duck dance) and assigns each participant an applicant. Then, through a Hunger-Games-style battle royale, applicants are slowly eliminated as their corresponding staff member is. Snevets explains that this process allows them to slim down the application pool significantly, allowing them to “put less thought into the process” and “make it as fair and unbalanced as possible.” According to documents, Chris Shemanski is undefeated in musical chairs and has won the tournament for the past eight years.
The final qualification is left up to the president himself, and he has chosen a different process for disqualification every year. For example, in 2017, he assigned each car parked in the 8th Street Lot an applicant, and whichever car was not ticketed became a Pinnacle Scholar (everyone was ticketed, even the pass holders). Last year, Narfarvar decided the best way to choose the finalists was to “make a Mii for every applicant and have them face off in Wii boxing.”
All in all, it seems like Snevets has got it together on picking their Pinnacle Scholars. Although the hackers claim that Narfarvar has been “exposed” and “ratioed,” at least students now have comfort in knowing that their University Pinnacle Scholar Program has a rational, merit-based, and unbiased decision process.
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