Demonstrating the revival of school spirit and campus involvement as the pandemic wanes (although we’re not jinxing it so we’re gonna say we think it’s about to get way worse with a zombie vampire mutation in a month or so), a new student organization has just reached full RSO status. The Main Association For Intelligent Assassins (MAFIA) seeks to raise awareness of, and get students more involved in the world of organized crime. Their president (whose role is technically “Boss” in the Constitution) points out that while Stevens has a superb job and graduate school placement rate after graduation, having the skills of a hitman like operating well under pressure, proficiency in tracking systems and understanding human behavior patterns could really put a graduate on a management track early.
The club plans to have options for senior design projects such as extorting small stores, breaking into apartments, and making offers that simply cannot be refused. The making offers project is still in the planning stage because currently most of the offers leave the offerer significantly worse off than the offeree, defeating the purpose of making an offer. One student nearly gave up a car to get a discount on some bagels from ShopRite. They have also reached out to local Hoboken businesses to see which would be willing to let their store be broken into on a preselected date and have 25% of the merchandise taken. It would all be returned after the fact of course.
We were able to attend one of their meetings this semester but we probably won’t be able to go to another because it’s very expensive to get to shady mansions on Staten Island on a school night. Nonetheless, despite three tests looming the next day, our editor was able to get in. Despite this meeting occurring before food was allowed at events, the tables were full of the finest cannolis, pasta, and bread. When questioned about this, their Vice President (whose role is officially listed as Underboss in the constitution) told us that one of the first things the Main Association for Intelligent Assassins does is show their members how to break rules they don’t want to follow. Then, they can break whatever rules or laws they need. No one was allowed to go to the bathroom during the meeting for fear of a weapon of some kind being planted there before the meeting. The rest of the meeting was just watching The Godfather and all its sequels.
Despite our journalistic prowess, we here at Off the Press do acknowledge that you shouldn’t take this piece too far due to its satirical nature, and certainly not to infinity and certainly not beyond that. However, you should come to To Bed, Bath, Infinity, and Beyond, our first improv show of the semester tonight March 4 at 9 p.m., and tomorrow March 5 at 5 p.m. in Babbio Center 122. See you there!
Off The Press is a satirical Opinion column written and organized by Off Center, often used to joke about current Stevens issues and campus news. It is currently organized by Off Center President, Matthew Brantl.
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