In a stressful time for many Stevens students looking for summer internships, co-ops, and full time jobs after graduation, we had the distinct pleasure to catch up with one student who got the job the old-fashioned way. He walked right into the corporate office of Johnson & Johnson (J&J), asked for the manager, and handed over a copy of his resume. Impressed with the confidence and tenacity of the student, that manager called his manager, who called her manager, who called her manager, who called his mom before remembering his mom has the same first name as his boss, and he called the wrong person. We were mostly surprised to learn that this very important company person’s mom wasn’t in his contacts as “Mom.” After all these telephone calls due to the very large corporate structure, permission was given from three different HR departments to interview our interviewee.
The interview was only the first step for John, who may have gotten away with this trick in part because his dad’s name was also John, making him John’s son. After having separate interviews with three different people, writing three thank you emails, John was dismayed to receive replies that included actual questions in response to his “Please feel free to reach out if you have any questions,” line. He consulted with the career center, but as they told us in response to a question we sent to verify the story, “no one has ever done that. Like ever. We have never seen that before. I printed copies of those emails and had John sign them.”
John was also instructed to handwrite his job history that he had already provided in the aforementioned copy of his resume. J&J wanted a cover letter as an attachment, but as John told us, “no one reads those and no one writes those.”
The only thing left for John to do was wait. And wait. And while he was waiting, he discovered he could pass some of the time by waiting. His eyes monitored the inbox. He checked the junk folder, the “other,” the spam folder. Finally it came, with “Congratulations!” in the preview. John clicked on it, trembling with anticipation. “Congratulations! You are invited to attend a second-round interview with us in two days. Please complete a negative drug test in California before that time.”
After using planes, trains, and automobiles to eventually reach the testing center, John did his drug test, which he passed with flying colors and was back in no time waiting for information for the second round interview. John being the stud he is, absolutely aced the second round interview and was hired quickly with permission from two new HR departments. Unfortunately, John did not read the application closely and realized later that his job starts on January 1, 2023. Thus, he will have to patiently count down the days until it starts. You can join him in that countdown at Off Center’s first sketch show of the semester, Countdown to New Years (It’s a Long Countdown) on Saturday 2/12 at 6pm in B118. Hope to see you there!
Off The Press is a satirical Opinion column written and organized by Off Center, often used to joke about current Stevens issues and campus news. It is currently organized by Off Center President, Matthew Brantl.
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