In a surprise move after the raucous Halloween weekend just last week, President Farvardin announced that Stevens would be hosting an epic party in the coming weeks that would consume the entire campus. The whole school will be turned into an absolute madhouse of hype and energy, with Farvardin himself leading the rave. Such an event requires some special planning, which we were excited to be a part of. It should be noted that hours of madness will comply with all safety protocols by being outside, maintaining distancing, and having OSHA-mandated safety rails at all slopes over a 1% grade. We went to see how we could help with the party and caught up with the construction workers who were installing some of these rails.
“Yeah, they decided to stop all work on the University Center so these could be installed in time,” one power drill specialist told us. “There’s gonna be a diving board off the Howe Center,” said one two-by-four operator. Those guys then worked together to assemble a handrail with remarkable speed. When our editor asked if he could help, they directed him to the food management table after he drilled his shirt to the beam on his first try with the drill.
The food table was way more fun than building handrails because government bureaucrats cared about our safety. Instead, we got to make plans that fly directly in the face of the faceless government bureaucrats at the FDA, who think they know what I should be eating. One of the main sources of food will be candy confiscated from rule-breaking trick-or-treaters last week, although Farvardin will be holding onto the 100 Grand and PayDay bars.
We were able to participate in taste-testing everything under consideration for the hundreds of snack tables that will be laid out. Our favorites were Stevens’ exciting “innovation candy” and the doubling of our funding had nothing to do with that statement. Of course, Compass One is providing all the food, so you may need to use your compass to do some navigating and find something good (except the innovation candy). We thought the most efficient way to taste all the food in terms of quantity of food per unit time would be an eating contest, and called Nathan’s Hot Dogs for their expertise on how to set up such an event. Unfortunately, the food organizers were not interested in our proposed eating contest, and shooed us off to the DJ station. Luckily, we did get Nathan himself to come to the party.
Music is expected to include hot hits like Miley Cyrus’s 2009 Party in the U.S.A. due to its references to “Party”s and “the USA,” where of course Stevens is located. One of the six DJ’s told us that “the Jay-Z song was on” would be changed to “the Bob Jovi song was on” and “hopped off the plane at LAX” would be changed to “hopped off the plane at Newark.” Also, instead of butterflies flying away, squirrels would be scampering away, and not everyone would seem so famous.
Of course, if you want to see a real party with supplies from Party City, then you should come to Party City In The USA, Off Center’s final sketch show of the semester tonight at 9 p.m. in B118 where there will be free food and party poppin’ prizes. As The Washington Post does whenever they mention Jeff Bezos, we now issue the disclaimer that Off Center does own Off The Press as one of its offshoots, but the show will still be really good.
Off The Press is a satirical Opinion column written and organized by Off Center, often used to joke about current Stevens issues and campus news. It is currently organized by Off Center President, Matthew Brantl.
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