In a shocking display of environmentalism, Stevens has recently announced that it will soon be entirely powered by renewable energy sources starting October 1st. This announcement comes as a surprise to many students, who have become accustomed to the soothing hum of the Stevens coal plant as it lulls them to sleep with the sound of thousands of tons of carbon dioxide being pumped directly into Pierce Dining Hall. The school released the announcement during a self-satisfied press conference, where a very smug spokesperson boasted about how the school was single-handedly ending global warming.
“As we all know, pollution from universities make up approximately 85% of global emissions, followed distantly by cars and even more distantly by fracking. Today, I am proud to announce that Stevens is no longer holding onto the knife that humanity has placed at the planet’s jugular, AKA the Amazon River,” said the spokesperson with a face that was just begging to be punched. “We have separated ourselves from the despicable New Jersey Department of Energy that has personally dumped toxic chemicals into the Hudson, gunned down polar bears, cut down entire forests to make space for a fossil fuel-themed amusement park, raised the global temperature by an estimated 35.8 degrees Celsius, and has never, ever, turned off the lights when they leave a room. In our efforts to save the Earth, we are finally turning on the big solar panel array we put behind the football field that was supposed to be just for decoration. We are also pleased to announce that Stevens has received a Gold rating from the Association for the Advancement of Sustainability in Higher Education (AASHE),” they said, somehow managing to convey parentheses with spoken words. “This award shows our dedication to the environment, as well as our dedication to paying off the AASHE judges. With this monumental achievement, Stevens will prove that it will do anything in its power to stop global warming as long as it makes us look good.”
Some planet-haters have taken issue with the school’s transition to non-penguin-killing methods of electricity, in particular the addition of a new PE requirement named “Intro to Environmental Cardio,” where students have to run on human-sized hamster wheels hooked up to the school’s new green power grid for hours in front of an instructor playing Katy Perry songs for encouragement. “To be honest, I wanted to sign up for Bowling,” said a student running on one such wheel. “But the results are incredible!” The student pointed to their legs, whose veins were so large and protruding that you could see the individual red blood cells flex their way down each of them. Another student in the class, who could sharpen their calves on a grindstone, was less enthused. “If anyone slows down, they make everyone else sprint super fast for a bit so they can power the cattle prod and shock them. It’s really tough hearing your friend being electrocuted over ‘I Kissed A Girl.’” In their sadness, the student slowed down under the required speed of 20 mph, setting off a bunch of alarms and causing a group of Stevens Sustainability Enforcers to converge on their location. Our reporter was narrowly able to escape by pointing behind the enforcers and exclaiming that somebody had just thrown a glass bottle in the wrong recycling bin, setting them off on a frothing recycling frenzy.
As all of our dear readers know, Off the Press is an avid supporter of Mother Earth, mainly because that’s where our office is located and we’d hate to lose the deposit. All of our reporters are noted tree huggers, with some of us even going a bit too far and ending up with several unintended human-arboreal hybrids that continue to defy common decency by existing. We applaud the school’s courageous decision to go fully renewable, a choice that will almost certainly postpone the coming climate-based apocalypse by a good couple of seconds, giving us ample time to transition to Mad Max rules. I’ve already picked out my leather jacket and aviator goggles, and let me tell you, I look pretty sick.
Off The Press is a satirical Opinion column written and organized by Off Center, often used to joke about current Stevens issues and campus news.
Be First to Comment