We here at Off The Press were shocked to learn of the rapid rise of a new comedy club on campus “On Point.” With a stated mission to overthrow Off Center as the funniest club on campus, On Point is threatening to disrupt the entire ecosystem of laughs, jokes, bits, and scenes that sustain Snevets students while they attempt to turn in homework on a site that experiences more outages than your average Texas power grid. Such a cataclysmic change of comedy hierarchy could send shock waves all the way to the Governor’s Mansion in Montana where Greg Giantfore would end up “accidentally” running into everyone as he tried to keep his balance.
Up to this point, Off Center had appeared to be in a secure position atop the comedy pyramid at Snevets. With such accolades as “The funniest boys and girls on campus” in Fall 2018, “Voted Best Comedy Club on Campus by The Stupe” in Spring 2019, “One of the top 10 comedy clubs on campus” in Fall 2019, and “funny” in Spring 2020, it looked like no one could challenge Off Center for the top of the pyramid. Unfortunately, On Point appears to be doing just that with their name. It is particularly difficult for Off Center to stay on top as being anywhere other than the center of the pyramid makes it very difficult to stay up, because the sides are slanted.
We reached out to a spokesperson for Off Center. “In retrospect, we should have spent more time preventing anyone else from being funny. Now we have to-” It was at this point that they tumbled down the metaphorical comedy pyramid and were picked up by campus security for being on campus illegally. The spokesperson has been recovering in the hospital and was last heard telling a knock-knock joke.
On Point president Elon Dres explained how he will turn the comedic finances that were ruined by Off Center around. “We’re going to sell laughs to people, then have them turn it around and sell laughs to three people each. We’ll take a portion of those proceeds to renovate the crumbling comedy pyramid, and have each of those people sell laughs to three more people each.” Off The Press was suspicious of this business model, but didn’t want to draw attention to it because our own shady financial activities may have come to light. Also, we really like metaphorical pyramid renovation. Per my employment contract, I must now inform you that Off The Press has never engaged in creative accounting, embezzlement, or extortion, and any accusations being leveled against us are unequivocally false.
The titans of the funny industry are on a collision course. Off The Press is impartial of course, simply committed to bringing you the finest journalism on this side of the Atlantic Ocean, but we really hope Off Center prevails. Not just to stick it to Elon Dres and his comedy coup, but also to maintain the leadership of the “Off” brand in the comedy, journalism, and bug spray industries.
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