It has been around one whole year since the breakout success of COVID-19 has forced Stevens to shut down and revert to lame online classes like so many cavemen. Since then, this Tyrannical Typhus has stolen the hearts, minds, and lives of millions of people around the world through a global dominance that either has no end in sight or has been over for months now, depending on who you ask. With the school empty, except for a few lost freshmen and a couple of aimlessly wandering seniors, Stevens decided that it wasn’t getting enough praise and love for its deft and prudent handling of the Pernicious Plague. “I feel like people aren’t paying enough attention to the real heroes: us,” said a teary-eyed spokesperson during the administration’s press conference. “The administration has done literally everything in our power, and of course I mean everything besides lowering tuition, to help out our students during this turbulent time. Under our watchful aegis, we’ve only lost, like, a dozen students and faculty, and most of those weren’t even our fault! More importantly, have you seen our enrollment numbers?” The spokesperson then had to receive immediate medical attention after they sprained their hand from all of their vigorous back-patting.
Students have predictably been less than enthusiastic about how the Dreaded Diphtheria has affected the past year. Answering an extremely scientific opinion poll sent out by Off The Press, over 63% of people responded feeling “bummed out” about the whole thing, with 23% responding feeling “a bit miffed,” 10% feeling “all bent out of shape,” and 4% feeling “honestly, pretty cheesed.” These results represent a significant decline in opinion from last year, considering the only options we gave were “positive” and “negative.” These emotions have been felt pretty much universally throughout the student body, leading to several Zoom classes being canceled due to student apathy, disinterest, and general bad vibes. “I just feel like… you know… whatever, man,” said one laid-back student wearing an impractically large pair of sunglasses indoors. “This whole COVID stuff…” The student paused to take a long drag of recently-legalized material. “Kinda sucks.”
Seniors have been especially peeved about this last year, having had their last year of college forcibly ripped from their trembling hands by the Sinister Smallpox. “I was really looking forward to being able to hang out with my friends,” said one student locked in a pure white void with a single “Hang In There” cat poster on the wall. “But I’ve just been in this sphere of nothingness for what I know has been months but what feels like centuries. I lost my sense of taste a while back, not because of Corona, but because my taste buds all died from lack of stimulating input.” The student then went back to their daily activity of staring into the void and quietly whimpering. “I’m just glad we’ve been able to continue our education,” said another student wearing an unconvincing smile, a single tear dripping dramatically down one cheek.
Meanwhile, Stevens is happy to announce that they have never been doing better, having exceeded their goals for the 10-year strategic plan in terms of graduation rate, ROI, and student mortality. “This year has really been a slam-dunk for us,” said the Stevens spokesperson, now wearing an arm cast. “We barely had to pay anything for housing and food, and you idiots still had to pay a student activity fee! Hope you had fun with those activities, losers!” The spokesperson then laughed maniacally for several minutes before they had to once again be dragged off because they attempted to do the “L” sign on their forehead, and instead sprained their other hand. The spokesperson has since been discovered to have never drunken milk, and as such has bones as dense as Swiss cheese after it was shot by a firing squad.
This year has been particularly difficult for us intrepid reporters toiling endlessly to deliver piping hot and fresh news directly into our readers’ eager mouths. With campus closed, our supply of random strangers to interview for their opinions has completely dried up, forcing us to resort to the demeaning task of actually researching and verifying news stories. We don’t want that, The Stute doesn’t allow that, as stipulated in our contract, and our valued readers definitely don’t want that. While the Contemptible Cholera has cruelly snatched this last year from our ink-stained fingers, we will continue to provide our up-to-the-minute, mostly accurate, and always entertaining news straight to your doorstep.
Off The Press is a satirical Opinion column written and organized by Off Center, often used to joke about current Stevens issues and campus news.
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