SGA Discusses Restructuring; We’ve Got Some Ideas

It only took an entire month, but the SGA finally released a public statement regarding the political upheaval that took place within the hallowed halls of the Senate, when two-thirds of the previous Cabinet resigned in disgrace only to be replaced in secret by E.J. “Lost the Popular Vote” Hannah and his hidden administration. “We’re sorry it took so long to tell you guys about the whole Cabinet kerfuffle,” said an SGA spokesperson (which is an oxymoron) wearing a dark hooded robe and standing ominously behind a pillar. “The thing is, we really wanted to, but uh… look behind you!” Our reporter then looked behind them and saw a baby turtle wearing a top hat, which was adorable. When they turned back, they saw that the shadowy figure was absolutely booking it across campus, their cloak flapping in the breeze. 

Complete lack of accountability from the SGA notwithstanding, what is more interesting is the addition of news about restructuring that was hidden in the rest of the vital information that the SGA finally felt like releasing to the student body that it is theoretically supposed to represent. The restructuring of the SGA is a surprise, given how the current SGA is working perfectly fine right now and could never lead to any crisis of democracy. However, if our current shadowy Cabinet which was never voted on believes that now is the right time to completely overhaul the entire SGA and enact the largest structural changes it has ever received, right in the middle of a world-spanning pandemic amidst one of the most politically and socially unstable times in recent memory, with absolutely no one on campus to question them, what right do we have as citizens to argue? 

Not much is known about the SGA’s current attempts to restructure, mainly because they don’t really have any idea of what they’re doing either. What is known, through cursory glances at the SGA’s restructuring notes, is that they are attempting to entirely overhaul the SGA into a radically new structure, drafting up new Constitutions and bylaws like they’re the Founding Fathers except no one voted for them. So actually, they’re exactly like the Founding Fathers. The restructuring efforts are currently aimed at decentralizing the SGA and effectively removing the Cabinet as a body. (We’ll see how far that particular change goes after E.J. “Rules with a Copper Fist” Hannah gets through with it.) Off the Press is always a fan of compounding chaos and decentralization which will lead to a vacuum of power until the SGA inevitably falls into a bloody civil war leaving only Attila as the lone survivor, and so we would like to help out our buddies at the SGA with some possible suggestions on what the SGA 2.0 could look like:

1. Instead of elections, potential Senators have to fight in a battle royale on campus using only their wits, crude weapons, and their extensive knowledge of Constitutional theory to defeat their opponents.
2. Install a totalitarian theocracy, but the religion the theocracy worships changes every week so no one feels left out.
3. Replace the Cabinet with bears dressed according to their roles, i.e. the Treasurer bear should wear a little pair of reading glasses and hold a ledger in one of their paws.
4. Give the person who comes to the largest amount of Senate meetings free tuition to encourage student participation.
5. Give Off Center complete control over the SGA and all of its activities, creating a comedocracy. If the SGA is going to be laughably incompetent, it should at least be on purpose.
6. Actually hold elections for the Cabinet. (Crazy idea, we know.)
7. Declare an independence war against Hoboken and use a draft to conscript students.
8. Pizza Party Fridays.
9. Make the presidency a sacrificial position: the president can’t be influenced by foreign actors if they’re going to die at the end of the semester.
10. Turn the Senate chambers into an ominous dark room illuminated only by an enormous white lamp over an inconveniently-large round table that all of the Senators sit at.
11. Livestream all of the Senate meetings, allowing students to influence policy decisions by donating.
12. Dissolve the SGA, then resolve it to see if that fixes the problem.

These are just a few of the endless governmental innovations that we are famous for here at Off the Press. Feel free to steal any of these, SGA: we only ask that you announce our contributions a few months after the situation became irrelevant.