In a move that literally no one liked nor understood, all students trying to log into their MyStevens, Canvas, or Office 365 accounts will now have to complete Duo’s iron-clad multi-factor authentication before gaining access to their valuable data. This change was ostensibly meant to increase the security of student accounts, because we should all listen to the school that gets hacked every other week for cybersecurity advice. While multi-factor authentication is a valid method for increasing online security, many have decried having to go through the entire process every time they want to log into their e-mail or Canvas account. “It took me three hours just to see my homework,” said one distraught student. “How am I supposed to know my phone number?” The student then turned to unlock their front door (we do all of our interviews outside the person’s house, even if they don’t want us there) and realized that they needed to submit a Duo push request if they wanted to enter their home.
In an effort to squeeze every drop of cybersecurity they can out of our accounts, Duo has added multiple new authentication methods that would be required to be completed every time you log into your MyStevens account. Starting next week, prospective users will also have to provide: your favorite color, a fun fact about yourself, your fingerprint, a retina scan, a negative COVID-19 test, twenty dollars, your social security number, a random number between 1 and 10, a baby picture of you, a picture of a baby that’s not you, the Declaration of Independence, and a kiss on the cheek. Failure to submit any of these items will result in both your account and your life being instantly terminated.
The change has been protested by a number of students, who feel that they have the God-given right as Americans to be hacked and have all of their data stolen. “It’s digital natural selection! If you have a weak password, it’s your fault if I—I mean, hackers—steal all of your information!” said one suspicious-looking student wearing a dark hoodie that blocked off all light to their face. Others have pointed out that the new Duo rules don’t apply to the school’s administration, as several Stevens officials have been photographed with their passwords written in marker on their hands with the words “Don’t forget!” underlined a bunch of times. In fact, witnesses have reported that the faculty Duo authentication consists entirely of the program asking “Is this you?” with a flattering picture of the official next to a green check mark. Off The Press was able to access over thirty high-security internal documents sent within the Stevens administration simply by calling Howe’s IT department and pretending to be President Farvardin with a mild head cold and asking for all of the passwords. (Note: the school actually fixed this exploit. From now on, President Farvardin will permanently stand inside the IT department to confirm whether or not he is actually calling them.)
The school has also announced that they are replacing the much-loved student information portal MyStevens with the significantly worse Workday Student, further handing control over the school to private companies. “We thank Stevens for trusting us with their juicy, juicy personal data,” said a Workday representative with an unnervingly wide grin. “We look forward to our eventual hostile takeover of the school and replacing of Farvardin with a Workday puppet. Now, please sample some of the delicious cookies and mind control drugs our chefs have prepared for you all.” When confronted over allegations of selling the school to the highest bidder, the administration balked. “We have nothing but the interest of our students at heart!” said one official when we interrupted his breakfast. “I’m sure all of you wouldn’t begrudge us just a measly $12 million to put food on the table?” The official then ate exactly one egg from their comically-large breakfast and left for work. Since the announcement of Workday Student, the administration has also announced a number of additional corporate team-ups, including renaming Burchard to the 16 Handles Learnatorium, replacing the president’s dog Martini with the Target dog (I don’t remember it’s name), and sentencing any student found eating Burger King to execution by a firing squad all dressed as Grimace.
Security is, of course, Off The Press’ number one priority: it’s the reason why our password is every digit of Pi and our security question is “Can God create a rock so heavy even He can’t lift it?” There is a point, however, where security takes second place behind human decency, and also we just like being contrarian to whatever change the school implements.
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