A recent survey sent out to all virtual-only students has revealed that exactly 0 people have worn pants to any Zoom class during the entire semester. “It just feels so freeing,” said one student in a call where they absolutely refused to stand up. “Hold on, my microwave just finished.” The student then crawled out the door with their legs out of the frame of the camera before crawling back in holding a plate of freshly-cooked chicken nuggets. “Sure, my legs get a bit cold sometimes, but that’s the price I have to pay to let these puppies breathe.” The student then gestured downwards, and we can only assume that he was talking about his legs.
The results of the survey have shocked and disgusted the Stevens administration, who has famously been extremely pro-pants in the past. “It’s a disgrace that our students are not taking their education seriously,” said one official speaking from behind a podium. “Pants are a time-honored tradition at Stevens—indeed, they are the bedrock upon which our school was founded! Edwin A. Stevens started his engineering empire with a patent to create the ultimate pair of pants! Unfortunately, the patent was rejected by over 14 regulatory agencies, including those idiots at NASA, so we will never experience the true luxury of the Perfect Pants. These students are making a mockery of Edwin’s decades-long study of the most optimal knee!” The official became so heated that they stepped out from behind the podium, revealing their Stevens-branded underwear to all of the reporters. Before the official could recover, the president’s dog Martini, sensing weakness, started trying to bite the official’s underwear off in a much less adorable and much more rabid version of that sunscreen logo with the girl.
While the vast majority of pantslessness goes unnoticed and unreported, there have been some unfortunate accidents as the trend has gained popularity. These accidents are usually the result of standing up, moving the camera down, or absent-mindedly singing “I’m not wearing any pants” to yourself when your mic was on. One freshman didn’t quite get the point of the whole “virtual-only” part of the situation, and went to an in-person class wearing nothing but what God gave them plus a suit jacket. Not to be overly mean to that freshman, but several students did have to go to CAPS after that class. One faculty member even got caught with both their metaphorical and literal pants down when they went up to the whiteboard to write their name in overly large letters on the first day of class. “I can still hear them laughing,” said the unnamed professor in a Zoom call of just his legs to prove that he was wearing pants. “Ever since that day, I’ve been wearing as many pairs of pants as I can fit before I cut off all circulation to my legs. I’m wearing twenty belts right now, and they’re all so tight that my waist is two inches wide!” The professor, being the same general shape as a top, then fell over and caught his numerous tightly-bound belts on the side of a table, releasing his stick figure legs from their pantaloon prison. The professor, now unfortunately pantsless yet again, flopped on the floor like a fish for a bit whimpering while our interview team quietly closed the call.
We here at Off the Press can certainly sympathize with 100% of the student population: no one working for Off the Press has worn a pair of pants since 1973, and even then it was only the result of an unfortunate mixup at the dry-cleaners. Although we would never want to show other people our New York Times-themed underwear, we stand behind not wearing pants to online school as a proud American tradition. We don’t stand too close behind it, mind you, but we stand a healthy distance behind.
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