Health Honor Board Takes Over School

Much like its older and more handsome brother, the Stevens Honor Board, the Stevens Health Honor Board has largely been ceremonial and frankly useless ever since its inception. Founded as a necessary corollary to the Stevens Health Honor Code (which I hope you guys have been writing on a piece of paper every time you breathe), the Health Honor Board has finally gotten all of the permits together and is now ready to start hearing cases. “For too long have people been allowed to spread the virus all willy-nilly without the threat of imprisonment to encourage them!” said one judge wearing a full hazmat suit and an oversized powdered wig. “Once these hearings start and people get sentenced, we’ll see how much you’ll want to sneeze or whatever the kids do these days.”

The start of the Great Health Purge, as the Health Honor Board is calling it, has swept campus into disarray as suspect after suspect has entered the Board’s chambers never to be seen again. “My friend sneezed in class once and the next thing I know, ten dudes wearing camo face masks busted into the room and took him away!” said one haggard-looking student hiding in a bush. “Last night I accidentally coughed, and now they’re all looking for me!” The student went quiet as an ominous black helicopter flew overhead, while our reporter pretended that they were simply making small talk with the bush. 

Not content with simple terror tactics, the Health Honor Board has started publicly punishing offending students on the front lawn of Howe, with front-row tickets starting at $75 plus tax. “We have all of the students’ best interests at heart,” said one member of the Board over the sounds of a student screaming in agony as the words “Didn’t wear a face mask to bed” were forcibly branded onto their forehead. Students have tried to protest these inhumane practices, but every time more than two of them get together to coordinate their color-matching protest signs, agents of the Board’s secret police swarm in and arrest them. The protestors’ subsequent punishments cause even more students to protest, and so on, eventually leading to a critical shortage of poster boards and Sharpies for all of Hoboken.

The Health Honor Board’s reign of terror has even reached President Farvardin, who has not been seen for months ever since he locked himself in his Presidential Panic Shelter once the news that his presidential immune system could be threatened. In fact, the only way he was notified of the Board’s tyranny was a plucky young reporter who managed to sneak through the doggie door meant for Martini, Farvardin’s loveable yet extremely violent puppy. The doggie door was reinforced with steel, flamethrowers, bear traps, ninjas, nuclear bombs, and of course Martini’s own rabies-infested jaws, but Farvardin eventually got the message. “I understand everyone’s complaints about the Health Honor Board,” he said at a press conference, barely audible over his twelve face masks and the two feet of bullet-proof glass he was standing behind. “I mean, we’ve all forgotten to sneeze into our arms once or twice. Uh… I haven’t done that, I would never!” But it was too late: sensing weakness and a possible internal temperature of over 100.4 ^oF, the Health Honor Board’s agents busted in, kicking down as many doors and jumping over as many tables as they could so they would look as cool as possible. “No, you don’t understand!” Farvardin screamed as he was being dragged off. “I just drank a gallon of hand sanitizer! I replaced my teeth with face masks! I replaced my phone with a toilet seat because it has less germs! I even sterilized Martini!” We never saw President Farvardin again. 

Off the Press is legally required to remind all of our readers to respect the Health Honor Code under penalty of death, so if you see anyone cough, sneeze, sniffle, rub their nose, look sad, breathe a bit harder than normally, eat without their face mask on, or say things like “That’s sick!,” please report them to the Health Honor Board at 1-800-SNITCHPLEASE so they can be immediately kidnapped and you can get a free lollipop. Also, please sign the Health Honor Code Pledge at the bottom of this article so we know that you’re staying healthy.

I pledge my honor that I have abided by the Stevens Health Honor Code, and recognize that I forfeit my autonomy, liberty, and life if I so much as clear my throat in a suspicious manner. I have never encountered a germ in my life, and even if I had I would have stabbed it in a frenzied rage. If my temperature ever reaches above 100.4 degrees, I will commit ritualistic suicide for the glory of the Health Honor Board. Amen.