Despite all odds, it seems that a single germ must have penetrated the sanitized fortress that is Stevens as the school has recently announced that Attila the Duck, beloved school mascot and Number 2 on the FBI’s Most Wanted List (right behind the ghost of Fidel Castro), has tested positive for that silent but oh-so-deadly killer, Coronavirus. All of campus has shut down even more than usual after the news was released, and sorrowful wailing has increased by 73% ever since Attila’s life has been threatened. Administrators in traditional mourning attire stood in solidarity in front of Howe during the announcement, tears running down their faces as the Stevens Presidential Bagpipe Players bagpiped their little hearts out. “It is with great sorrow and pain that we announce that despite our best efforts, Attila has fallen victim to Coronavirus. He… he…” The administrator then burst into tears and ran away from the stage. A new administrator stepped up to the podium and tried to continue the press conference, but they only got a few words in before they, too, couldn’t take it anymore and collapsed into a weeping pile on the stage. This went on for 15 minutes until every Stevens official was piled together and crying so much that our reporters had to flee for their lives to not drown in the tidal wave of tears emanating from Howe. Anyone trying to get into Pierce is encouraged to bring a snorkel and an industrial-sized box of Kleenex.

After the shocking announcement, rumors have emerged that Attila may not have been as careful regarding his health as the sterilized school he represented. “The biggest problem was that he couldn’t wear a mask,” said one of Attila’s aides in hushed whispers behind Burchard. “Obviously his big beak made it difficult, but even when we got the Super Deluxe Ultra Size masks from Target, he would keep eating every mask we tried to give him! I told him it wasn’t bread, but he wouldn’t listen! He just said ‘quack!’ like he always does!”  Eyewitnesses have also reported seeing Attila doing very unhygienic things around campus, such as licking every doorknob on campus and having hot make-out sessions at frat parties. “To be honest, I’m still not sure he wasn’t trying to eat them,” said one frat brother sitting drowsily in a pile of Corona bottles. “The last I saw of him, he had just chugged a can of stuffing and crushed it against his head. Also, what frat parties? We aren’t having any parties, promise! I was just… thirsty!”

While the hollow-boned hero may not be dead yet, no duck-person has yet to contract the dreaded Coronavirus and live. Additionally, Attila has been around since 1972, which is basically forever in duck years, so his goose is probably cooked anyway. To this end, Off the Press has pre-written Attila’s obituary to be released in the event of his untimely (or possibly timely) death. This is very heartfelt and emotional, so please don’t show Attila this until after he dies.

In Memoriam

Attila the Duck, everyone’s favorite unholy avian-human abomination, has gone to the big Duck Pond in the sky after losing the battle to Mother Earth’s most notorious STD, Coronavirus (although political assassination can never truly be ruled out). He is survived by his wife of 23 divorces, Chelsea the Duck (née the Human), and his two children Attila Jr. and The Other One. He is also survived by his father, a random duck we found in Stevens Park, and his mother Abigail, who enjoyed going to that park a bit too much.

Attila lived a life full of mascoting, armed robbery, illegal gambling, and an unending amount of OSHA violations. Attila was banned from no less than 25 countries, including the U.S. after a disastrous stint as the head of the FDA’s Bread Department. A very spiritual duck, Attila could be seen every Sunday at church scarfing down as many communion wafers he could get his grubby wings on before the priest could chase him off with a broom. He was an avid bird watcher, which raised many questions about the nature of sentience and also got him arrested for harassment by the bird police.

The funeral service will be held this Saturday at the local Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. A cute little chicken in a tiny bishop costume will officiate the ceremony. The event is BYOB (Bring Your Own Bread), so please bring any loaves you have on hand so Attila can be buried with the one thing in life he loved more than psychedelic drugs. Attila has faked his death before, so be emotionally prepared if he suddenly appears in the back of the church wearing a trench coat and sunglasses.

Ashes to ashes, ducks to ducks.