As the dreaded COVID-19 continues to ravage large swathes of the globe, back at home, people have been trying to wrestle a modicum of normalcy from the current XK-Class End-of-the-World scenario. In particular, all of Greek Life has been struggling to fulfill their valuable duties of throwing parties and making freshmen do weird stuff for no discernible reason without being able to access their fully-stocked houses. Some of the more resourceful groups have followed the school’s approach and switched to online methods, holding impromptu Zoom meetings to bring their disparate members together.
Beta Phi Tau (BIT) has been one of the leaders of online Greek Life ever since its house and a number of its screaming brothers were burnt to the ground last week following the news that a brother had contracted that so irresistible of plagues, Coronavirus. “Even though we’re all separated, we can still be together,” said one slightly teary-eyed BIT member as he wiped his nose with the precious few tissues he had left in his house. “I’m just glad all of our bros are safe and sound, tossing back ‘ronas [sic] while trying not to catch the ‘Rona [sick].”
BIT has also announced that they will not be letting a measly pandemic get in the way of their traditional hazing/rush events aimed at vulnerable freshmen. “We’ve got a lot planned for the new freshies,” said one particularly devious-sounding brother in a call. “There’s this thing where they have to change their Zoom background to ‘RUSH BIT’ in big letters for a week. One kid had to watch one of those beheading videos; he was pretty messed up after that, though. We made one guy log on to Disney.com without his parents’ permission! It was insane!” The brother then proceeded to go for a high-five, noticed he was in his room by himself, and looked sad.
This level of hazing has been banned for years as a result of the iron-clad law “Ducks Don’t Haze.” However, the top-level lawyers representing BIT have argued that, since the Stevens campus is no longer anything more than a disease-ridden ghost town, the students are not considered proper Ducks and as such are free to haze to their beer-soaked hearts’ content. Following the discovery of this legal loophole, hazing has increased by over 75% on campus, up to 537 reported cases in the last two weeks, and Coronavirus only knows how many more went unreported. Dozens of impressionable freshmen have been found unconscious at their computers, forced to drink Corona after Corona to the digitized cheers of their brothers. Google searches for “How do you do a keg stand” have increased by 350%, as well as “Is beer supposed to taste bad” and “Why are people so mean to me.”
Of course, not all of Greek Life is solely devoted to needlessly torturing freshmen. A number of fraternities and sororities have tried to host events off-campus to various degrees of success. A Pancake Night held by service sorority Alpha Alpha Alpha (AAA) failed after they forgot to remove the $2 delivery option, causing them to lose several members somewhere around St. Louis. One unfortunate sister traveled over 10,000 miles only to discover that the recipient had wanted blueberry pancakes, not strawberry, and was then similarly lost in St. Louis. “We’ve lost 16 sisters to St. Louis so far!” said a morose AAA sister. “It’s like the city keeps eating them up! We—” The video feed then froze as the sister looked in shock at the ominous shadow of a large arch that had crept into her room.
We here at Omicron Tau Rho (OTP) commend Greek Life for their tenacity in the face of almost certain doom. We, of course, went online weeks ago: due to our Emergency News Protocol (ENP), the entire OTP office was converted into an Impenetrable Doomsday Bunker (IDB) stocked with food, medical supplies, and enough guns to take over a small Midwestern town (SMT). We can only hope that more Greek organizations follow our lead, until we have amassed enough SMTs to finally take the fight to the real menace, St. Louis, so we can at last rescue our lost brothers and sisters (BAS).
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