The few remaining scavengers roaming around campus have been shocked to recently find that nature has entirely reclaimed the Snevets campus after a prolonged evacuation of the student body. Trees, flowers, and wildlife now flourish in places previously only deemed for human use, proving the age-old saying that nature is a d*ck and will take any opportunity to one-up humans just because it can. I mean, come on nature, can you at least give us like a month before you take over our school? It’s kind of an emergency.
The extent of nature’s invasion of Snevets cannot be overstated: entire forests have grown in the ruined husks of what used to be mighty academic buildings, while creatures large and small roam through the abandoned dorm rooms that they currently use as dens. Steve, a squirrel that had previously bonded with a Snevets student, has now established himself as King of the Squirrels and has set up a royal throne room in the giant oak that now sprouts through the center of Babbio Fishbowl, where he rules over the former school’s rodent population with an iron paw. Flowers that have not been seen on campus since Rejected Students Day have bloomed in Pamler Lawn, their odor rendering any passersby unconscious in a matter of seconds. These fiendish flora have captured over two dozen people within their chlorophyllic maw, as more and more people come over to investigate the steadily-growing pile of bodies in front of the How Center only to inevitably succumb to the sickly-sweet opiate themselves.
Atilla the Chicken has reportedly gone feral within the newly-created Snevets Jungle, having been left behind by the evacuation team that extracted President Narfarvar due to the fact that the rescue helicopter was already filled to the brim with his dog Margarita’s treats and fashion accessories. The once-domesticated animal has returned to his wild roots, becoming one of the alpha predators in the Snevets ecosystem. Atilla has even been seen utilizing rudimentary tools such as spears, indicating that he is beginning to develop complex thinking and reach some level of sapience. Top biologists are considering classifying Atilla as a newly-developing species with human-like intelligence, Homo Atillicus, and have tried to obtain grants to introduce a potential mate to examine Attila’s offspring for signs of growing intellect.
We have received reports that there is still one person within the overgrown garden that now blankets campus, a sophomore Biomedical Engineer major named Dmitri Poltov who has apparently willingly gone into the savage wilderness to achieve some kind of inner peace. A reporting crew armed with several machetes and numerous cans of bug spray made a dangerous trek into the heart of the Snevets Jungle in order to hold an interview with this mystery man. They found Poltov meditating in the middle of what used to be Peirce Dining Hall, his frail, emaciated body being supported by several vines shooting out of the floor.
Off the Press: Are you Dmitri Poltov?
Poltov: Ah, yes. I knew you were coming. The trees told me.
OTP: What are you doing here? This whole campus is abandoned!
P: *reaches down to pick up King Steve, places him on his head* I have come to achieve enlightenment; and I have found it.
OTP: You need to come home with us.
P: I can do no such thing: the forest depends on me, and I on it. *coughs*
OTP: Oh fuck, he’s got Bud Light! Everyone, back away! *sprays Febreze at Poltov*
*A worrying number of forest creatures emerge from behind the buffet tables, murmuring angrily*
OTP: *backing away slowly* Alright, we’re just gonna go now…
*Racking coughs follow the gang as they run out of Peirce*
While Off the Press celebrates the majesty of nature and can only marvel at the speed at which the planet has retaken its rightful land, we are still nevertheless angry because we accidentally left our good ink in the News Bunker hidden underneath the How Center, which is now occupied by a very angry bear and her six cubs that refused to let our crew inside. If anyone has any spare Ultra-Black Invictus Ink No. 12, please send it to us — we’re getting desperate.
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