It is with a sad heart that we have to announce that yet another student has succumbed to the sweet siren call that is the budlitevirus. Due to privacy concerns, we cannot give out the poor soul’s name, but we can say that the student lived in the Beta Phi Tau (BIT) Fraternity House and was last in the building on March 24th. As of the time of this writing, twelve hundred gallons of gasoline have been poured onto the BIT house and it is now being burnt to the ground with the utmost of prejudice. “We feel that this is the best course of action to prevent the spread of the virus,” said an official over the sounds of the roaring fire and the increasingly-desperate screams of the few remaining brothers trapped within the structure. “Our students’ safety is our highest concern, and we can only urge everyone else to stay safe while we sort this out. Disinfecting measures are already underway, as you can see, so just keep tight for now.” The official then brought out a bag of marshmallows and handed them out to everyone, setting up an impromptu s’mores party on Pamler Lawn.
Due to the number of Snevets students infected with the modern-day plague that has brutally ravaged our fair planet, the school has released a number of life-saving tips to help everyone stay safe from the budlitevirus’ microscopic grasp.
- Stay isolated
- Social contact is one of the largest vectors of contagion for our nasty little friend budlitevirus. Immediately and effectively cut yourself off from all forms of contact, including hugging, shaking hands, sharing the same oxygen as someone else, looking at someone for too long, thinking about a particular person, eating within two miles of your significant other, letting others hear your voice, or owning a pet, as that will significantly increase the chance that someone will come over to you to pet their adorable little head while simultaneously infecting you with the most malevolent strain of budlitevirus the world has ever seen.
- Stay clean
- If for some reason you are too dumb to follow the above rules, staying clean and germ-free should be your number-one priority if you don’t want to be in a bodybag in two days. Remember: you should always wash your hands for as long as it takes you to recite all of Leo Tolstoy’s famous novel War and Peace in the original Russian, though if you are in a rush it is acceptable to only recite The Lord of the Rings, but you should be careful to not touch any part of your body for the rest of the day after that.
- Stay hydrated
- Water is nature’s remedy for almost every disease, so be sure to constantly be drinking water every second of the day to maximize the amount of that precious life-sustaining juice in your body. We recommend that you temporarily relocate to a river, as these can be tapped for unlimited water by simply laying down, opening your mouth, and letting Mother Nature pump you full of that good ol’ H2O.
- Stay informed
- Listen to quality news sources like The Stupe or even higher-quality news sources like the ever-excellent Off the Press to stay up-to-date with all of the latest budlitevirus-related news. Remember: an uninformed immune system is a dead immune system, and the same goes for humans as well.
- Stay hopeful
- While yes, this is certainly a huge crisis, and yes, millions of people are going to die, and yes, the economy is currently taking the biggest dive since I tried to jump into the pool and landed flat on my back, there is no reason to lose hope. Take comfort in the fact that your friends and family, while hopefully several football field lengths away from you, are most likely still safe. Also, your GPA literally cannot fall this semester, so it’s kind of a win in the end if you think about it.
We hope that you take these words to heart and that all of our readers stay safe while the budlitevirus continues to cast its shadow of death and destruction upon this fertile earth. Just stay inside and above all, keep reading Off the Press. We want to keep popping out top-tier articles to both stave off our boredom and also inform our dear readers, but you can’t read the news if you’re dead.
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