2020 Graduation Postponed Until the End of Time

Due to BUDLITE-19, the May 2020 graduation has been postponed to the picosecond before the universe and time itself end.

In this picosecond, a whole lot will happen. Over 600 students (or at least one atomic representative from each student) will walk across the stage, shake President Narfarvar’s hand (again, or an atomic representative), and then step off triumphantly, fantasizing about the whole life they have ahead of them; except, of course, these freshly-minted alumni will not have their whole lives ahead of them because (1) they will have long-since perished and (2) the end of time/the universe is imminent, so they don’t have very long at all to accomplish much, if anything, with their snazzy new degree.

    Physicists have hypothesized three potential backdrops for graduation: a big freeze, a big crunch, or a big rip (or, as it were, a Big R.I.P., the P in this case standing for, comically, pieces (instead of peace)).

1. The Big Freeze

In the big freeze, everything will become the same temperature. This sounds cozy and kumbaya-esque, but nearly every process (engines running, your body running, your scorned lover running to another, probably better, man) requires some kind of temperature difference, either directly or indirectly. Meaning, post heat-death, nothing interesting will ever happen again.

Graduation, therefore, will be the last thing to ever happen, but we cannot promise it will be interesting.

2. Big Crunch

Sadly, no scientist predicts the universe will end its eons as a Crunch bar so big you can see evidence of red-shifting at the edges of its stereotypically blue wrapper. Instead, it is possible that instead of expanding like the universe is now, the universe will contract into an infinitesimally small point like how it was when it started. A stupid idiot chose the onomatopoeia word ‘crunch’ to describe this phenomenon even though there’s no sound in space.

Right before the universe collapses, every atom and duck and Boeing 747 airliner will be overlaid on top of each other like when you throw a stack of andesite out of your inventory in Minecraft. In this scenario, graduation will — thankfully — be over the quickest because the atoms from every graduate and the atoms of Narfarvar’s hand will be touching.

3. Big Rip

There is this thing called ‘dark matter’ that scientists estimate make up about 70% of the universe, but they are all very stupid, so they don’t know what it is, but most agree it likely has something to do with vampires.

It might also accelerate the expansion of the universe.

Dark energy has another peculiar property. As the universe expands, its density remains constant, in other words more of it pops into existence over time to keep pace with the increasing volume of the universe. But if its density were to increase over time, disaster could strike. If dark energy becomes more dense than a particular object, that object could get torn to shreds, including stars, atoms, and Sonic the Hedgehog paraphernalia (in summation: Shadow would ultimately win).

This, 89% of students who responded to our survey agreed, would be the “sickest” and/or “most unobjectionable” way to graduate.

To tide the class of 2020 over, the school has mailed each graduate a letter containing a complex url to type into a preferred web browser to take them to an eDiploma. When opened, a ‘confetti’ of clip art graduation caps with Shutterstock watermarks emblazoned on them flutter across the screen to tide graduates over for the (approx.) twenty billion years until they will actually be able to toss up their own graduation cap. The eDiplomas look eerily similar to the evites I sent out for my birthday party circa 2004.

We here at Off The Press acknowledge that the end of time and the end of the universe are fuzzy concepts. We asked the administration for clarification as to whether time will end at the same time as the universe or if the end of the universe has been conflated with the end of time, and, if so, which one will graduation actually be held during (if during is even the right term because will there be a definite point at which time/the universe ‘ends’ or will it be a gradual tapering off, and if it is the latter, at what point in the process of the end of time/the universe will graduation be held)? The administration responded, “What?”

One theology professor assured us the universe actually ended in 2012, so the 2020 graduates could just watch the recordings of that ceremony and to pause the video to add themselves in when appropriate.