Chaos reigns supreme on campus after the administration recently announced that it will be changing the entire meal swipe system for all residents of Stevens Housing. Starting next semester, the once-multitudinous choices for meal plans have been reduced to only four poorly-punned options: Terra Bite, Giga Bite, Mega Bite, and Kilo Bite. There have been rumors of two additional plans, though they have been as of yet unconfirmed. These rumors tell of a potential even larger plan named Peta Bite, which would give students the ability to summon a Pierce worker holding the entire contents of Pierce at any time, as well as transfer the ownership of every restaurant in Hoboken to the student. The rumored smallest plan, the simply-named Bite, would give students a $5 coupon to Olive Garden and would allow students to gaze longingly into Pierce Dining Hall from behind a specially-designed Poor Protection Barrier that will be guarded by Pierce workers armed with medieval weaponry. All students living on campus or through SLH will be forced to buy at least one of these plans, with dire consequences for those who will not submit to these new food laws: these consequences will include but will not be limited to fines, jail time, a stern talking-to, kidnapping, forced viewings of Cars 2, castration, and being mauled to death by a rabid Martini.
The change has angered students, who feel that they should not have to buy the meal plans in the first place. The lack of choices in the new meal plan options has also made it so there is little room for a middle-ground choice. “I did the math,” said a student frantically shoveling food down their throat in Pierce, “and the Giga Bite plan is roughly large enough to feed a family of five for an entire year, while the Mega Bite can feed them for a semester. However, the Kilo Bite plan can only support a particularly small rat for a few days. So I decided to just bulk up now, take the Kilo Bite, and then hibernate for all of next semester.”
The recent change has only fueled the recently-kindled rivalry between the school’s caterer, Compass One, and literally everyone else that started when the catering company changed the club catering rules with no warning, causing several clubs to declare bankruptcy and even more to take out predatory loans from Compass One’s money-laundering enterprise, Compass Two. In fact, the fallout from the whole club catering fiasco has led to some rumors that Compass One is the real power behind Stevens, and the administration is only a mere puppet controlled by Compass One’s kitchen-stained hands. “Believe me, we’re just a bunch of cooks!” said Compass One’s spokesperson during an interview. “We love food! We eat it every day!” The spokesperson then forced a Stevens administrator to get down on all fours in front of them and used their back as a footrest. “Stevens is just our client, who we value and respect as a partner! And we extra respect the students!” The spokesperson then began to fan themselves with several $100 bills while the Stevens administrator started to silently weep.
After seeing the backlash about the new meal plan system, Compass One has decided to punish us for our collective impudence by removing all meal plan options and only leaving one: Food. Under the new Food plan, which costs $7,300, students will be entitled to exactly one chicken nugget per semester. Additionally, special implants will be injected into students to dissolve any non-Compass One foods before they are able to be digested, forcing students to pay the $50 Pierce toll if they want to gain any nutrients. The plan has been focus-tested with a couple of students already: “I think it’s a pretty good deal,” said a decrepit pile of skin and bones that was shambling ominously in front of Burchard. “I mean, look at my figure!” The student was then blown away by a mild breeze and tumbled down River Street into the sunset.
While this change is unlikely to affect the team here at Off the Press, as we only eat journalism and drink truth, we stand with our fellow students during this trying time. Compass One may control the administration, they may literally be stealing food from our mouths, but they are nothing compared to the balanced breakfast of investigative journalism, public accountability, and a pipin’ hot portion of pancakes! This has been Off the Press, reporting live from Pierce Dining Hall. Goodbye.
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