Riots have broken out all over campus as the school has released new information regarding the catering of club events. What used to be a fun, democratic free-for-all that allowed student organizations to purchase food/snacks from any outside vendor they so chose has now been rigidly corporatized, forcing every club to go directly to Compass One, the official school caterer, for all of their food. The administration has publicly stated that this change is in the interest of saving money, and might even improve the process of catering events. This came as a shock to many clubs, as this change had not been publicized at all until it came into effect this semester. Understandably, literally every club on campus immediately rose up in revolt upon hearing the news of this unjust oppression, and several E-Boards are currently protesting outside of Howe with torches and pitchforks, demanding President Farvardin’s head on a pike.
One of the reasons given for this change is that the school feels that clubs rely too much on food to attract students. “That’s ridiculous!” spouted an irate club president. “Our events stand on their own! ‘A Night of Free Food’ is our most popular event! And ‘Come and Steal Some of Our Food’ is a classic!” Off the Press asked one person coming out of a club event holding two boxes of pizza, a bottle of soda, two dozen donuts, and approximately 14 Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups what they thought of the change. “Um, what?” the student said, a chicken tender falling out of their pocket. “Yeah, the event was, uh, cool, or whatever.” The student then fled the scene, leaving behind a trail of mini M&Ms.
Things came to a head during this year’s Leadership Reconnect, when administrators went more in-depth as to how the new system would work. They were met with harsh backlash from their audience, an auditorium full of annoyed presidents and treasurers, 98% of whom would not have shown up had they not been forced to. Tensions rose during the question and answer part of the presentation, as students annoyed with the change let their anger out on the catering representative, Sean Hanlon. Off the Press has managed to obtain exclusive audio from Reconnect:
Hanlon: Are there any more questions?
Unknown Student: Yeah, is your refrigerator running?
*General giggling*
H: My refrigerator? I just had it fixed last week; so, yeah.
US: *Barely able to speak over their laughter* Well you better go catch it then!
*Entire audience loses their minds for several minutes*
H: Haha, very funny. Does anyone have an actual question?
Unknown Student 2: Do you know how this change will affect Joe?
Eyewitness reports have described Hanlon drinking heavily after Reconnect had concluded.
For their part, the school has attempted to reinstate order following the outbreak of violence at this news. “Guys, we never wanted it to end up like this,” announced a hapless spokesperson for Farvardin, who was cowering in his office at the time. “What if I gave all of you free coupons for Snickers? Hey, put that down!” Some intel suggests that the adminstration planned at least some of this, however. One leaked Slack message from an administrator shines a new light on the issue: “Wait, why do all of the student organizations get to have pizza parties when we don’t? If we messed with the catering system, we could buy our own pizza party and maybe even a ball pit!” The message received 37 heart reactions, 15 shocked faces, and 12 instances of a unique Martini emoji.
Horror stories from treasurers around campus have come flooding into the Off the Press offices, resulting in hundreds of paper cuts and mild ink poisoning for all of our reporters. The exorbitant prices of snacks have been a common refrain: “It cost us $50 for a pack of soda!” one treasurer wrote in what appeared to be their own blood. “I had to take a loan out to buy some cookies, and John got taken out by the mob because he went behind on his pizza payments!” The sharp increase in prices has caused some clubs to give up on snacks entirely, with one sad event only allowing attendees to merely sniff a piece of chocolate that had cost the secretary’s first-born child.
It remains to be seen whether the administration will stop their weeks-long pizza party to address these pressing issues, but judging by the fact that a troupe of clowns just got dropped off at Howe in a hilariously small limousine, the chances seem slim. In light of these events, Off the Press will stop giving out cute little pen gummies to anyone who stops by our office, and we will now be forced to give out actual pens for guests to nibble on instead. If it’s any consolation, the blue ink kind of tastes like strawberry.
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