Dismay has struck the hearts of everyone across campus as it has come to light that Stevens Institute of Technology is, in fact, not a real school. Every social media platform has been buzzing about how distraught both students and staff are about the sudden news. We here in the writer’s room of Off The Press have decided to compile all of the information regarding this matter for your convenience in what might be our last article ever. (We don’t really know how funding works now that we’re no longer a school, so we might not be able to feed ourselves and therefore won’t have the energy to write.)
This all came to fruition when a tourist pointed out Stevens’ lack of media presence. The tourist gave the following statement while standing in front of the new Gateway Academic Center: “Stevens? Never heard of it. What does it even look like?”
Upon further investigation, it appears that Stevens has in fact never been on any Top 10 Colleges List, not even “College Board’s Top 10 Most Forgotten Colleges.” A student confessed, “I don’t even remember applying to Stevens. I think I first heard of them when I received an acceptance letter in the mail.” It certainly doesn’t help that Stevens has absolutely no branding anywhere on campus, notably in their construction zones.
To make matters worse, shortly after the stray tourist’s observation, a discovery was made in the University Center construction zone. Before laying cement for the building’s foundation, a construction worker noted a strange leather-bound book lying directly under the cement mixer. Upon further inspection, it was revealed that this book contained the original documents of Stevens’ founding. As it turns out, Edwin A. Stevens filled out all of the official paperwork to establish Stevens Institute of Technology as an official university but forgot to include the Stevens Honor Pledge. As we all know, any document without the Stevens Honor Pledge is null and void, and deserves a grade of 0 regardless of how much work you put into it or if you got all the answers correct. Since Stevens’ founding documents wouldn’t even hold up in Stevens Honor Court, the official-looking leather-bound book is about as useful as a paperweight.
Former President Nariman Farvardin (former only because you can’t be the president of a non-school) is outraged, particularly at the Stevens Honor Board. In an attempt to fix the matter at hand, the Honor Board uncovered a logical paradox. “Since Stevens isn’t a college, the Honor Board has no power, therefore the founding documents don’t need to have the honor pledge to be valid. But if the documents are valid, that means Stevens is a college and the Honor Board does have power, and that means the documents have to have the honor pledge to be valid, which they don’t.” The Honor Board spent 16 days mulling over this paradox before eventually giving up.
Whether the Stevens founding documents were placed under the cement mixer by someone trying to cover up Stevens’ true history, or if it was just a remnant of the Secret Jacobus Archives, its discovery has wrought havoc across all offices in Howe. After minutes of debate, delineation, and Bing searching (Stevens is now officially a Microsoft-sponsored entity and has no ties with any other search engine. This has nothing to do with Stevens not being a school anymore.), the school has decided to enact the following policies.
- All degrees given to graduates prior to this discovery will be revoked.
- Graduates past and future will now receive Certificates of Learning, signed by Martini himself.
- All financial aid will be revoked since you can’t get financial aid if you’re not enrolled in a college.
- ACup’s Friday hours have now been extended to midnight.
These policy changes have been announced along with the following statement: “We apologize for any inconvenience this discovery may have caused. While we take steps to reconfigure Stevens’ infrastructure, we encourage you to enjoy extended hours at America’s Cup, where we have now introduced curly fries.”
These policies have been a HUGE topic of discussion around campus and people will not stop talking about them, but the most egregious of the four is truly the Certificates of Learning. Like, honestly, how is Martini gonna sign certificates? He doesn’t even have hands. And I don’t want an ink print of his paw on any of my official documents. No one’s gonna take me seriously unless there’s a written signature on there. Additionally, images of these new Certificates of Learning show a surprising lack of the Stevens Honor Pledge, and we all know what that means.
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