It is a truly, truly sad day on campus as news has been released that legislative prodigies and local beefcakes Brandon Seidman and Simon Pepa have lost the election for SGA President and Vice President. We know, we were surprised too! I mean, how could these two titans of public stewardship possibly fail to win the offices that they so rightfully deserve? Especially after that glowing recommendation we gave them last week!
The results of the election have not been released at the time of the writing and publication of this article, so it is unknown who has actually won the election, only that it was not the Seidman-Pepa ticket, a fact from which we are all still reeling. Sorry to repeat the point, but can you believe it? I can’t imagine a single person looking at either Seidman or Pepa and not immediately voting for them! With their astute political knowledge and dashing good looks, even a common buffoon could tell that they were the perfect candidates for the job!
“Losing the election hurt us pretty bad,” said a morose Seidman, refusing to meet our reporter’s gaze. “I’m obviously pretty bummed, but Simon’s been a wreck: he’s been crying all week.” Pepa, who had been silently weeping in a pool of his own tears, suddenly let loose a soul-shattering wail that made every person in a two-mile radius break down and cry in solidarity with the broken husk of a man. His pent-up emotion released, Pepa resumed his prior weeping, the pool of tears around him threatening to become a veritable lake. With a beleaguered sigh, Seidman picked up the catatonic Pepa and carried him off, the Vice-President-to-be leaving a foot-wide path of tears as they left.
The terrible news hit with the release of the SGA Presidential Candidate Power Rankings, a time-honored Stevens tradition that lists the current candidates on their “power level,” and essentially decides the outcome of the election before it happens. The Power Rankings were used by respected political analyst Mark Krupinski to effectively dismiss Seidman and Pepa from the running. On these rankings, the Seidman-Pepa ticket is currently rated as “Stupid Wittle Babies,” accompanied by the picture of a cartoonishly dumb infant banging his head with a wrench. Obviously, this put a huge stop to their candidacy, and the two are being considered for exile from Stevens for their ignorance. “Yeah, SWB is pretty much the worst thing you can get on a power ranking,” said the President of Off the Hill, Off the Press’ political sister column. “I mean, technically the absolute worst ranking is ‘Puny Lil’ Pea-Brains,’ but the last time they gave that ranking out, the candidates both died of shock.” For those of you wondering, the Molla-Castellanos ticket received a positive “Big Strong Bois,” while the Hannah-Buckman ticket was awarded “Pecs o’ Steel.”
The loss of the political revolution that would have occurred with the election of Seidman and Pepa is a blow that has affected every facet of campus. After the tragedy was announced, flowers have wilted, birds have stopped singing, and the children playing at Stevens Park have resorted to idly staring at the monkey bars. A thick miasma made of pure sadness and melancholy has descended across the school, as if nature itself was mourning the loss of two of the greatest political minds to ever grace the Earth. Students have reported increased feelings of negative thoughts and distrust in democratic institutions after hearing about the Seidman-Pepa ticket’s loss, with one particularly distraught student ripping their hair out and decrying the callous nature of fate. “Woe! In our hubris, we have lost that which has been sent to us from on high! Those two champions, those paragons of political virtue, have been wasted on our puny university! We turned our faces away from the light and threw away what should have been a golden age for our unworthy Student Government Association!” The student continued to preach from atop Babbio Patio, his arms raised in supplication to the politics gods.
This entire debacle has completely eroded our already negligible faith in the SGA, and has taught us how to deal with the painful loss of two beloved history-makers. Off the Press gives a sincere apology to everyone on campus, as it appears that the glorious political revolution that Seidman and Pepa would have ushered in will never happen. We can only hope that two more bright-eyed, enthusiastic, and muscle-bound idealists will take up the fallen mantle for the next election, as unfortunately Seidman and Pepa are retiring from politics to enter the big SGA Senate in the sky. While the next SGA leaders — whoever they may be — are sure to pale in comparison to those two juggernauts of policy-making, we can only wish them the best of luck. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I feel the need to take a page from Mr. Pepa’s book and cry myself to sleep.
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