Literal chaos has erupted on campus this week as a team of mechanical engineers has accidentally opened a portal to Hell, causing untold horrors to come spilling out onto the mortal plane. A state of emergency has been declared as demons have scoured campus, capturing hapless students and throwing them into the pits of Tartarus.
The team responsible originally intended the portal to be a Senior Design project, but it went horribly wrong. “We were just trying to make a robot that made muffins! If I’m being honest, we got sort of off track,” admitted one of the engineers. “We probably should’ve reevaluated when we sacrificed that goat. Better luck next time, I guess. Oh, would you like a muffin?”
The portal was activated in the basement of Howe, which has now become the center of the hell-spawn currently wreaking havoc on campus. The once somewhat-appealing administrative building has been transformed into a hulking mass of steel, brimstone, and the souls of the damned to create an interesting avant-garde look. “I got to admit, the demons have got style,” said a student whose face was melting off from looking at Howe for too long. “I really like how they used the tendons of that one dude to spell ‘Beelzebub Rulez’ on the front like that.” The student then dissolved into a formless blob of flesh, still complimenting the demons on their exterior decoration skills.
The Stevens Paranormal Task Force, still weakened from battling the ghost-infested Gateway, has been forced to deal with the eldritch invasion. “I gotta be honest, we were not prepared for this,” said the leader of the task force as he painted large blood symbols on Palmer Lawn and dodged cackling demons. “Can you believe we didn’t have any blood stored up in case of an emergency? We had to go to the store!” The leader then showed us his five-gallon jug of “Auntie Miriam’s Substitute Blood/Red Hair Dye.” “I mean, can you believe it?” the leader continued. “We only had one sacrificial virgin! He was really nervous about being the only one: we had to really put him on the spot!” Their sacrificial virgin, Dave, pouted from the slab that he was tied to.
The school is currently advising students to remain calm in the face of this cataclysm. An emergency center has been set up in the Babbio Atrium, where the surviving members of the administration are devising a way to take back campus. “Luckily, the portal was opened while a bunch of us were celebrating Roger’s birthday,” said a battered official who had a mutated second mouth embedded in this throat. “So we only lost the administrative staff who didn’t have any friends. We weren’t completely spared though, as you can see.” His second mouth said “Mmmblearghggm” and bit our reporter’s hand when they tried to touch it.
In the wake of the attack, students have started to defend themselves against the horrors that now plague our school. A group of Chemical Engineering students have created a prototype “Demon-B-Gone”: a mixture of holy water, baby tears, and blended Bible pages that will allegedly stop even the deadliest of demons. “Demon-B-Gone” can be purchased at the ruined husk of what used to be the campus store. Remember: when you go to the campus store, ONLY buy items from Kris. The overly-friendly cashier named Drolox the Destroyer, Eater of Pain, Renderer of Infants, Tempter of Saints is actually a demon in disguise, so be careful. Additionally, a group of Business & Technology majors has attempted to make dealings with the demons, hoping to peacefully end this calamity. Unfortunately, demons absolutely hate PowerPoint, and no cost-analysis sheet in the world could have stopped those poor students from being ripped apart limb from limb.
“I really feel like people aren’t giving us a chance,” said a demon whose name destroyed the eardrums of the reporter who heard it. “Do we want to kill everyone? Yes! Do we want to eat infants and dance around in their bloody entrails? Of course! Have I pulled the arteries out of a person and flossed my teeth with them? Who hasn’t!” The demon then paused to pull a screaming child out of its pocket, rip the child’s head off, and drink blood from their neck like a grotesque Capri Sun. “What I’m trying to say is,” the demon continued after throwing away the desiccated husk of the child into a recycling bin, “We’re just like you!”
Off the Press cautions everyone to be careful during this time. Anyone who does not want to be dismembered, beheaded, melted, or otherwise brutally murdered should stay well away from campus, and from Howe in particular. It is unknown how long the demons will remain and when, if ever, their unfathomable bloodlust will finally be quenched. For the time being, keep your holy oil with you at all times, and under NO circumstances should you allow the demons access to a baby. Also, applications for more sacrificial virgins are now open, so please go to Carnegie Hall/Demon Slaying Headquarters to sign up.
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