Following the closing of Hayden and Davis Halls to make room for the erection of the new student center, also known by its codename, the “Narfarvar Towers,” a large wave of upperclassmen have been forced off campus. Lost and afraid, these students have to choose between finding an outside apartment and signing up for Snevets Leased Housing (SLH). In an attempt to fit more students into SLH, the school has contracted other housing companies to open new options for students.
The first new option is an amazing find right next to campus: a cardboard box in front of the 7-Eleven on Washington Street. This property boasts a whole 3 square feet, with one bedroom and one half-bathroom (a dark alley behind the 7-Eleven). The Civil Engineering Department has assured us that the cardboard is of the utmost quality, and the structural integrity of the box should be capable of withstanding at least three mild rainstorms. The property also has one amazing benefit: it’s portable! Imagine being able to carry your entire house around on your back! You want to catch a quick nap between classes? Just lie back into your own bed! Hungry? Reach into the box and pull out a granola bar! The possibilities are practically endless! Housing for this property starts at $7,250 per semester.
If that last property didn’t get your goat, there’s also another option. Costing a measly $8,000 a semester, students also have the privilege to stay in Paul’s Living Room. Paul has generously agreed to allow Snevets access to his living room, which contains two fold-out couches for students’ enjoyment. Paul has two wonderful kids, Sam and Mike, who need a little guidance from some young adults to get them started in life. Paul has assured us that his kids are absolutely amazing and a joy to spend time with. “They’re great kids, take after their mother,” Paul said in an interview with Off the Press. “They’re really excited to have some new friends staying with us. Oh, Sam’s allergic to peanuts, remember to put that in the article.” Also, Sam’s allergic to peanuts.
SLH is also announcing a new system for next year: for just $10,000 a semester, students can choose to lease their own houses to Snevets to live in over the school year. It should be noted that only the student leasing the property is allowed to live there, although overnight guests are allowed. This new program was met with mixed reactions to the student body. “Wait, so I have to pay the school ten grand just to live in my own house? That’s [expletive removed]!” However, other students are looking forward to this new style of housing. “It’s going to be great!” one ecstatic student said. “My mom’s going to be the RA, and she’s going to let me eat cookies after my bedtime! She even made a nameplate for my room!” (The student then held up a small wooden sign with the words The Bestest Boy in the Whole Wide World painted on it.)
These new acquisitions are a sign of Snevets’ rapid and uncalled-for growth that has shaken the campus to its very core. As construction advances and more buildings presumably get shut down/destroyed, SLH will continue expanding to cater to the student population. If they continue in the manner they’ve presented so far, then we’re in good hands.
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