Pinnacle priority scheduling reinstated

It’s been an emotional rollercoaster for Pinnacle Scholars these last few weeks, as the administration repeatedly buffeted them: first with the revoking of priority registration status, then the criminalization of the program, the subsequent hunting and rounding up of the Scholars, and finally with the surprise return of priority registration to the beleaguered survivors. In a top-secret e-mail to the Pinnacle Scholars, the school revealed that they had granted priority scheduling back to the Pinnacle Scholars that are already enrolled in the school, after outcry from the Pinnacle community that their registration status was being ripped from their grasp.

This change has been met with elation by the Pinnacle community, who had been fuming after the school’s last announcement. “I guess it’s not necessary anymore, but we had been planning to stage a revolution against the administration,” said one relieved Pinnacle Scholar. “We had slogans and everything. Tony even wrote up a constitution! He’s definitely going to be disappointed; it was pretty good. I guess we’ll have to return all of the muskets, then.” However, some Pinnacles still aren’t satisfied. “Did you know there’s not a single Pinnacle student in the administration?” one Scholar in a tricorn hat explained, “Why should I pay tuition when my rights aren’t being protected? It’s tyranny!”

While many Pinnacle students are rejoicing, the news was met with mixed reactions by the rest of the student body. “I don’t think they deserve their registration status back,” said one concerned student. “My friend is in the program, and I really liked making fun of him for losing his status. Now I have to make fun of him for, like, his looks or whatever. But he’s really self-conscious, and I don’t have it in me to be that mean to him.” Another student was even more vocal against Pinnacles, saying in an interview, “[Redacted for decency’s sake] Pinnacles! I hate those [Yeah, that’s not going in the article]! I wish I could [We legally can’t repeat what he said] and their cats, too!”

The Pinnacle Scholars Coordinator made a statement regarding the sudden change in a press release earlier this week. “We like to keep the Pinnacles on their toes. We might have given them their registration back today, but who’s to say we don’t take it away again tomorrow? What if we required every Pinnacle to learn how to juggle to stay in the program? Even we don’t know what’s going to happen: every day, I spin a comically large wheel to decide what we change about the program. There’s an 8% chance that the program suddenly becomes a large book club. I’ve read Great Expectations just in case.”

All told, there is an air of mystery and concern about the future of the Pinnacle Scholar program. “At this point, I don’t even know if it’s worth it,” one beleaguered Pinnacle student said. “The benefits are cool and all, but I can’t handle the uncertainty. See, look! I just got an e-mail about it. Wait, what? I hate Great Expectations!” Rumors of the program’s dissolution have been circulating around campus, often accompanied by feelings of either relief or sadness. With increasing uncertainty about the future of the Pinnacle Scholars, one can only wonder: Why is the administration so bad?