Hello dedicated readers,
For those of you keeping up with this column, you know that ‘Senioritis’ is dedicated to the tomfoolery and madness that comes with one’s final year in school. But it seems that these past few months, I have been living a lie. You see… I’ve been harboring a terrible, shameful little secret. Alas, it’s with a heavy heart that I announce I will, in fact, NOT be graduating from Snevets this spring. Although it’s been an incredibly long, painful journey already, I’ve decided, inexplicably, to make it an even longer one. In Fall 2019, I will be switching my degree path to obtain a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology & Technology.
Confused because we don’t have a degree called ‘Psychology and Technology?’ Don’t worry. We do now. This is a Stupe exclusive!
Think about it. Snevets got 10,000 applicants this year. Instead of turning away most of them for capacity reasons, which would arguably be the practical thing to do, they chose instead to create some random new degree programs! Turns out, if you add ‘and Technology’ to any regular ole’ degree program, it will sound SUPER legit! How generous! Thanks, College of Arts and Letters!
And because Snevets does so well with transfer credit and substituting courses, I will have to start my new degree completely from scratch, without financial aid of any sort. Oops. Here’s to another four years eating at Pierce and slumming it out in the library! Yay! At least I have the Duck Dance to bide me over when the going gets tough. Come on, guys — it’s just so damn catchy! Do the Duck Dance! Ayyy! #InnovationUniversity.
At the end of the day, it’s this: STEM just doesn’t pay well anymore, you know? It’s time to get with the times, or get left behind.
Now that my tenure here has been increased by four years, I must say — I want to see if Snevets will actually follow up on any of its housing and construction initiatives, or if students will be forced to take over academic buildings and turn them into makeshift dormitory residences. Just picture it: North Building, as a joint residence and academic hall. The smell of plastic walls and burnt popcorn both, floating down its frail frame. Who knows? Or perhaps, Snevets students will be forced to live in the library… oh wait. The graduate students already do that. My bad.
Or maybe, just MAYBE, the legendary ship dorm will return. Or the castle. Or a canoe (for when it floods in Hoboken). Duh.
Also, I cannot WAIT for the Giantfore Complex to open in person. Can’t miss out on the slim possibility that Mr. Gerg Giantfore might indeed bodyslam a student — or perhaps even more shockingly, Pres. Narfavar — at the opening ceremony. And no, I’m not a hater — I think it’s all in good sport! We love a man who knows his physical capabilities and isn’t afraid to use them on someone in a lower position of power! Privilege and all! How refreshing! We’ve decided to stan forever.
Anyways — I can’t wait to find a place in Hoboken. I love competing with younger students for housing! I hope this goes Hunger Games style. I’d like that, I think. I’m ready to kick some underclassman butt. My experiences and senior status will really help me… except, wait, technically I am an underclassman now.
Shoot. I really didn’t think this through, did I?
Oh well. Say what you will. But least I’m not a BizTech. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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