Gossip, rumors, and wild speculation have abounded on campus since the explosive argument between Pulitzer-winning journalist Eric Londres and ex-SGA President Tommy “Ended Sadness” Daly. The fight began when Mr. Londres called out Daly in his definitely-less-than-500-word Letter to the Editor, over-dramatically named “Childhood’s End.” In this marvel of journalistic upheaval, Londres bemoaned the current state of the SGA and yearned for the “good old days,” presumably back when the SGA’s main job was determining which peasants working Castle Stevens’ farmland would get food that winter.
Although the letter is largely a critique of the SGA as a whole, Londres went straight for the jugular at the end of his hit piece, cursing Daly’s bloodline and summoning a plague of locusts on his farmland. In addition, Londres gave, “Don’t be Tommy Daly,” as a piece of advice for the SGA. Considering the SGA is currently comprised of approximately 0% Tommy Daly, and with little chance that any members will spontaneously switch personalities with the Dalester, this nugget of wisdom was deemed largely unnecessary. Daly, justifiably miffed at his descendants being cursed for 12 generations, shot back with a Letter to the Editor of his own, sarcastically named “‘Don’t be Tommy Daly.’”
“I don’t know why they keep posting their letters in The Stute,” the Editor said in an exclusive interview with Off the Press. “If they really wanted to speak with me, they could’ve have just texted me or sent an e-mail or something.”
Daly defended himself against Londres’ attack, citing the many good changes his administration brought to the school, including the institution of the Health and Wellness Committee, the President’s Cabinet, and, of course, the much-adored Duck Dance.
The Duck Dance, for those as of yet unacquainted, is an absolute smash hit song/dance routine that gripped the school last semester and which literally everyone loves. “I love the Duck Dance,” one Peer Leader confessed in an interview, “and I’d definitely still say that if we weren’t legally required to say good things about the Duck Dance. My favorite part is when they say ‘Do the Duck Dance,’ and then ‘Eyy’ for the 12th time.”
Duck Dance notwithstanding, Mr. Daly made an impassioned defense against the attack against his character, even sprinkling in some anti-curse charms into his writing to free his livestock from Sir Londres’ dark magic. The conflict between the two giants has recently escalated to the point of violence, as Sir Thomas has formally challenged Mr. Londres to a duel over his wounded honor. “Funny fact about New Jersey law,” Daly confided in a private interview with Off the Press, “they forgot to criminalize dueling; technically, it’s still legal, as long as we have two witnesses and a certified physician prepared to cut off an injured limb.”
The duel is set for next week in front of Howe, with President Farvardin as the referee. Currently, the betting odds are 5-2 in favor of Tommy Daly, with Off the Press contributing a fair portion of that bet. “I’m fairly certain Daly is gonna win,” one bookie said in regard to the duel. “Londres is a good shot, but Daly can load a musket in under two minutes. So he’s pretty much got this in the bag.”
In addition to the reclamation of Sir Daly’s honor, both participants have attached conditions to their victory. If Daly wins, all members of the SGA will be paid an amount equal to or more than President Farvardin’s salary, which is rapidly approaching the yearly income of France. If Sir Eric of House Londres wins, however, the current SGA President will have to immediately step down to be replaced by Eric. Also, he has to get his childhood back.
“Wait, what?” the current SGA President, Jason Chlus, said when informed of the situation. “Why am I involved in this? Who are these people?”
All of campus is waiting with bated breath for next week, when these two titans of public stewardship will square off in a battle to the death or, at least, debilitating injuries. While Off the Press legally cannot condone this senseless violence, you can rest assured we’re getting front-row tickets.
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